The difficulty with marriage and babies

Marriage and babies. They sometimes do not mix. Sometimes they mix great, sometimes, not so much. Dan I are have had our own issues as of late and have had them since I was first pregnant. I was constantly emotional from the beginning and Dan had no idea how to deal with this new roller coaster that was his wife. I cried over every single thing and he walked around like he was avoiding stepping on a land mine.

And it didn't get easier the further into pregnancy I got. The crying slowed some, but my nausea did not. Not much got done around the house and a lot was placed on Dan's shoulders. I expected a lot out of him. I was so sore and awkward and cleaning even the bathroom became such a struggle for me.

Then the baby arrived. And I was thrown back into an even worse emotional roller coaster. I was such a mess. The worst of them all. I was so leaky. And sore. And the crying. OH THE CRYING. Dan was once again placed with a lot of responsibility. And not once did I feel guilty about it. Looking back, I realize that I did not even appreciate him as much as I should have. I would only get angry if he didn't mean the impossible expectations I was setting for him.

I have never felt farther away from him emotionally at times.  It's so hard. Some moments, I feel so close to him. Other moments I feel so far. Thank goodness for Twitter and my friends there because I have come to realize I am most certainly not alone in this. So many couples struggle for awhile when a new baby comes.

It's not just the physical stuff that we are lacking in our marriage (although, hello, it's hard to be close to my husband in that way at times...I had a BABY and I feel fat, bloated and unsexy 99% of the time). It's the talking, the sharing. Once the baby goes down for naps or to bed, we are off trying to clean house, work on last minutes work-at-home stuff, and trying to have some much needed personal time. I'm off on one computer, watching TV or reading to unwind...And Dan is doing the same thing.

I am being told that it changes as the baby gets older. To give it a year. And this leaves me very hopeful that it will all get better eventually. I love my husband. And he loves me. And we're doing our best to stay afloat (we have take a couple of dates so far and I think we need many more of them!!!).

I look forward to Avery getting older and for us to start feeling married again. I look forward to miss Avery making our marriage stronger. We both have to give 100% to the cause. To everything.

What is some advice that you have for keeping it all together??

Sometimes I just can't deal...

Being a mom has been so incredibly exhausting for me. I thought dealing with a newborn was impossible. I was so tired all the time. My summer was full of crying, depression, and exhaustion. I was so looking forward to getting back to work. Then I got back to work. I didn't think life would be any easier. Just expected that it would be a fabulous break in my days. A chance to still do what I love. To talk with adults! To get a break from the baby!

Except by the time I went back to work, the baby was starting to become so much fun to be around! I started to miss her so badly. My work load is so much harder than I remembered from last year. The house is a cluttered disaster. I wish so badly that I could quit or at least go down to part time. Sadly this is not an option for us at all.  Thanks to some debt that we had gotten into before the baby had ever been a thought. :p Yay for student loans!

And I sat this past Saturday I sat among a circle of women at our church and listened to one woman after another talk about how she was a stay at home mom, and oh wasn't she just BLESSED to be able to do that. That she couldn't imagine doing anything else, etc etc.

This made me feel bad for two reasons. 1) I was pretty much the only career woman there and I felt so judged for liking a career. 2) At the same time I would love to be blessed with the opportunity and it isn't an option and BOO. It feels like crap.

I am torn and I can't deal with it at all. I never want to give up this job -- it would be dumb to. I have been giving an amazing career opportunity. School jobs are difficult to come by when it comes to therapy roles. But at the same time, I want so much to be at home watching Avery grow up.

But I know if I were at home full time, I'd probably be completely miserable. Well, maybe not completely so, but I may end up being bored. Dan is afraid that I would just shove Avery in his arms and make him take care of her for the rest of the night. Which is pretty much what I did when I was home all summer. I keep trying to tell him that it would be a lot different now that she is older.

I must remember that I really AM blessed, in a way. I work for a school system. Which allows me to have SUMMERS off. Even if I don't get to be with my little girl every single day?? I DO get to be with her every day of the summer. I can NOT wait until this summer. When she will be possibly toddling around all over the place. I can't wait to take her to the lake this year. It will definitely be a blast.

Sometimes I just can't deal...

Being a mom has been so incredibly exhausting for me. I thought dealing with a newborn was impossible. I was so tired all the time. My summer was full of crying, depression, and exhaustion. I was so looking forward to getting back to work. Then I got back to work. I didn't think life would be any easier. Just expected that it would be a fabulous break in my days. A chance to still do what I love. To talk with adults! To get a break from the baby!

Except by the time I went back to work, the baby was starting to become so much fun to be around! I started to miss her so badly. My work load is so much harder than I remembered from last year. The house is a cluttered disaster. I wish so badly that I could quit or at least go down to part time. Sadly this is not an option for us at all.  Thanks to some debt that we had gotten into before the baby had ever been a thought. :p Yay for student loans!

And I sat this past Saturday I sat among a circle of women at our church and listened to one woman after another talk about how she was a stay at home mom, and oh wasn't she just BLESSED to be able to do that. That she couldn't imagine doing anything else, etc etc.

This made me feel bad for two reasons. 1) I was pretty much the only career woman there and I felt so judged for liking a career. 2) At the same time I would love to be blessed with the opportunity and it isn't an option and BOO. It feels like crap.

I am torn and I can't deal with it at all. I never want to give up this job -- it would be dumb to. I have been giving an amazing career opportunity. School jobs are difficult to come by when it comes to therapy roles. But at the same time, I want so much to be at home watching Avery grow up.

But I know if I were at home full time, I'd probably be completely miserable. Well, maybe not completely so, but I may end up being bored. Dan is afraid that I would just shove Avery in his arms and make him take care of her for the rest of the night. Which is pretty much what I did when I was home all summer. I keep trying to tell him that it would be a lot different now that she is older.

I must remember that I really AM blessed, in a way. I work for a school system. Which allows me to have SUMMERS off. Even if I don't get to be with my little girl every single day?? I DO get to be with her every day of the summer. I can NOT wait until this summer. When she will be possibly toddling around all over the place. I can't wait to take her to the lake this year. It will definitely be a blast.

I'm doing ok...

In September, I talked about how breastfeeding wasn't for everyone. It's a tough path to walk. I am proud I got through the first three months of Avery's life being able to sustain her. I grew that little peanut inside me, then I got to feed her. What an amazing thing!!!

I felt great, for the most part, about transitioning her to formula. I did miss nursing. A lot. But by this time, she would no longer latch...she had taken to the bottle and wasn't going to settle for anything slower. 

I noticed almost right away that sunflower oil was a top ingredient in her formula. But, as my doc said, I wasn't the one who would be ingesting it. And the amount was probably small in there so even if I came in contact with it, it shouldn't hurt. (BUT! Did you know oils such as palm, safflower, coconut, sunflower etc are in there for the DHA and fatty acid benefits so it's NOT that small of an amount). At any rate, I left it at that and disregarded the issue. 

But as time went on, I was feeling more and more tired. Exhausted. Nauseated regularly. Stomach upset. Just blah. Had to take a a day or two off work. I wasn't feeling better ever. It was a rough start to the new school year. 

At one point, I had a thought.....what if it's her formula bothering me. At first, my doc kind of shunned this. No way was her formula causing this. But I was convinced, call it intuition, that it was making me sick. 

Now, at this point, I had all but weaned. I was pumping an once every other day. Sometimes I would get two onces. I was pumping less and less. I started doing research on re-lactation. Before I knew it, I was renting a hospital grade pump and taking supplements. And doing a lot of crying. I didn't know what to do in the meantime to feed Avery. We ended up finding out that similac was ok, but then she wouldn't really take it without a fight. I was so stressed and was barely pumping a half an ounce a day. 

The Bronson Milk bank stepped in to help. Avery was born at Bronson Hospital so they were more than willing. They generously gave, and continued to give, donor milk to us, no cost. This has been a great blessing to us. And best of all, within a few days of stopping that formula, I started to feel back to normal again. Some say maybe I felt bad because I was weaning but my doc wasn't convinced that was it. I know deep down that it was from contacting the formula.

Even if it was already prepared, which is mostly was, because Dan would mix up a batch for the day....I would still touch it. Either from a leaking bottle or Avery's leaky mouth. :) Or her spit up. All of it seems trivial. But I can't even come in contact with lotion that has sunflower oil in it. Or a body spray. Nothing. Luckily I don't go into anaphylactic shock. But my doc has often talked to me about keeping an epi-pen on hand because you never know when the body will turn on you. 

My re-lactation efforts are going slowly but surely. I am getting between half an ounce and an ounce more each day to the total. Yesterday, I hit 7oz. In one day. I have something called domperidone to thank for that. To the Twitter friends and a lactation consultant who told me about it?? Thank you. I will write another post on that another time, I'm sure. But if you landed here because you aren't sure the stuff works? It so does. 

They say it can take a month for re-lactation to really WORK. So I hope that at the end of this month, I will be pumping at least half to 75% of Avery's needs. And while this isn't the path I originally wanted to take?? I'm ok with this. Really.