And we did have a few hiccups. We had to introduce a bottle earlier than anticipated thanks to a bad latch damaging me. Ouch. But we got through it. Without nipple confusion. We were fortunate to be able to feed her both from the bottle and from the breast.
But I didn't like nursing. It stressed me out to no end. She would latch fine one moment then struggle the next. She didn't like one side as much as the other and would cry and scream when I had the audacity to offer it. One side had a faster flow that at first nearly choked her at every feeding. I felt like I could never be detached from this baby. And the hormones associated with letdown and a feeding, cause me significant anxiety -- nausea and hot flashes, as well as mini panic attacks would happen.
The low point of that phenomenon? We were at my inlaws for the weekend and in the middle of a nightly feeding I had to unlatch her and pass we to Dan. The anxiety attack was fierce. Heart racing, nausea, hot flashes. I had to go and sit on the cool bathroom floor. Avery was screaming in the background while Dan tried to calm her. I finally was able to get her and bring her into the bathroom with me. I felt so much like throwing up.
This happened a few times a week. I didn't always have Dan there to take her from me when it happened. And this was a huge factor in my post partum depression struggle. The anxiety of breast feeding.
My thoughts at any given moment:
Am I making the right amount? Ok I had a glass of wine, do I need to pump and dump? How many oz should I pump in addition to feedings? Will I ever freeze enough? How will I ever lug around my pump during the school year? This mothers milk tea is horrible! GUILT GUILT GUILT.
Needless to say, while not an easy decision to make, I am extremely glad we started weaning her from me. We are essentially all weaned from breast feeding. Which makes me sad. :( but once we started to transition her to the pumped milk and formula, she took to the bottle and no longer wanted to eat from me. I'm really ok with this. Finally.
And I finally feel better. Less anxious. Less depressed. I pump morning and night so that she continues to get nutrients from me but that generally only gets her 8-10oz from me a day. So we are on a gentle formula as well to supplement.
All feels right in the world and I'm so glad I just....went with the flow on this. I had some guilt and was worried what people would think. But how? Let them think what they want. It didn't work for me like I had hoped....and I don't ever regret nursing.
