Things are still up in the air. It sucks....

So! Turn of events. I ended up taking that part time position I talked about. The one I wasn't sure about. It is an outpatient position that will focus a lot on upper extremity rehabilitation and eventually, a lot more. The position that was with a private clinic in town?? Turns out, I need to stay away from said clinic. I ended up, while at an orientation for a new PRN job, meeting the OT that left that clinic. He was not able to tell me much, as he had been forced to sign a non-disclosure and non-compete clause with the company. But in gist, he basically told me to avoid it. And so did my mentor when I chatted with him on the phone the very next day. Needless to say, I emailed them and cancelled my interview. I really really really wanted to tell them why (your clinic is said to possibly be practicing things that, while not illegal, may be extremely unethical!), but I did not. I obviously would have given them names of the people I had heard things from, but still.

I am very excited about this part time opportunity, but I am also having a mini heart attack over everything right now and what is to come. I am currently in a full time role, that has never actually gotten to full time, which SUCKS. I have worked there now for 4 months. 4 MONTHS. I have been patient. I have worked hard. I have done what needs to get done. I am a good employee. But alas, I have not been rewarded. It is not necessarily my fault and it may not be my bosses fault. But I sure as heck am cranky. We talked almost two months ago about things. And he has pretty much avoided me since.

I emailed him a few days ago to let him know I had accepted a part time position. He emails then calls me, promising that things are looking up! My hours should be going up! I may be soon turning into a salaried employee instead of hourly! I hold him no. I'd rather be part time. His niceness quickly turned to...not so nice. I am stressing about this inside. I don't want to screw them over, but I feel like I am really being screwed over. He told me that the company doesn't "like" to hire people as part time. Mostly full time and PRN. Fine, I reply, classify me as PRN. He would still have to keep me on the caseload until the found a new full timer. Whatever. I am so angry.  I feel like he has no right to be upset at me at all.  I told him two months ago that this was something I was considering. He told me on our first phone call that what I did was fair. That he totally understands. So I don't get it. I don't get what changed.

I now feel like dragging my feet in the mud in this role. I don't even CARE.  I want to cry just thinking about having to return there. I'm SURE my other supervisor is totally thrilled with all of this. :p

I just hope I can turn this other job into more hours. And quickly....

I want more than a paycheck

I didn't forget about my blog. Really. I continue to struggle with blogging. I have a lot of things to blog about, but I have to censor myself sometimes. I am really struggling to just write this entry.  I used to write my blog as if I didn't have readers.  I am sure I really don't have many readers now anyway, so maybe I should continue to do that.

- - -

The last time I really chatted, I was just about to start a new job. I have been at the new job now for two months. It...is ok. It is a job. It pays the bills. I work primarily in home health, with half of it being in the general community and the other half, I am in assisted living facilities. It's ok.  It isn't my dream job and it isn't a job I want to be doing the rest of my career, but it is a job that I will be learning things in. I am  not working the hours, however,  I was promised and that has been the most frustrating thing of all.

Three weeks ago, I sent a lengthy email to my regional boss, we had a telephone chat and agreed to keep touching base on things. I mentioned that I may look for another part time position to help balance my hours better. He said he understood. So let's hope he does actually understand if and when I find a part time position.
I recently applied for and got a telephone interview for a part time role. It actually is a role that could eventually turn into full time. The problem is that I don't have the specific experience to do what this new role would do. It would involve helping to develop a work rehabilitation/work hardening program for a local clinic. This would actually be pretty dang exciting. I have never set up a program this extensive before, only smaller initiatives. What if I could really grow this? Enough to have another OT on staff with me!? I think I would do well in this area, to be honest. I think I would feel like it is more than just a paycheck, you  know?

I also ended up with a phone interview and a scheduled face to face interview with a smaller clinic in town. I could really see myself growing there as well.... It is a combo of both peds and adults. And omg I would really love to return to pediatrics, you guys. Even though I sold or gave away a lot of my peds equipment and textbooks (which is ok, because textbooks go obsolete every few years anyway, so it won't hurt to get new ones. :D)

I got into this career because I wanted to help people. I am right now in the sort of role, in my current job, working with people that don't necessarily want to be helped. They are an older genre who fight change with every fiber of their being. It is hard to work with the type of group that feels this way. Shoot, there are actually a good amount of people NOT older that feel this way as well. I will probably always run into it. But hopefully not with 75% of my clients....

Not going to give up this time....

The most difficult thing for me since Avery came along...? My body image. I know, I know. This is where I should be spouting off how happy I am to have this AMAZING body that grew a human being, dammit. And believe me...I am. But for those who have known me online for a long time, I once struggled with an eating disorder (sort of, it was mostly anxiety induced). Not so much online, but I have talked about it. 

When I was 21 years old, I weighed in at an unhealthy (for my height) 103 lbs. In my mid twenties, I was at around 125-130, had a year or two of creeping up into the high 140s. 

I now weigh in at 154. Before I was pregnant, I was 142. And before my hip injury, I was a happy 135-138. That's a lot of numbers. What I have learned about every single number is that I didn't like any of them at the time. I always still thought I was too heavy. Too far. At 135, however, that's where I felt like I looked the healthiest even if I didn't love the number. At that time I was fit. I could run without much issue (though I didn't love it). I had time to work out and enjoy it. 

I recently had a meltdown because no matter how careful I have been as far as food intake, I am still stuck. If history has taught me anything, I have also realized that I'm just maintaining my weight. And the only thing I need to do is reinvigorate my love for exercise. More than 2-3 times a week of moderate level workouts. I need at least 2-3 days of cardio other than walking, and 2-3 of strength training.

I have been sitting on this plan for a couple of weeks now. Sitting. Waiting to start it. But the motivation is lacking. I don't understand why seeing as though I'm miserable in the current state of my body. I feel so awkward. No wait. Let me say it differently. In my brain, I feel like I'm just as thin as I always was. Then I look in the mirror and am shocked that my body isn't what I thought it was. I just....struggle to find time to work out. I can barely find time to clean, work full time, take care of Avery, maintain a sane marriage and make sure I have time for me. I guess from here on out, me time is now exercise OR relaxation time. I can't have both (unless it's yoga then sure!!).

Oh you guys, I don't want you to comment that I look great right now. Mostly because I'm not looking for compliments....shoot, I just went off in twitter yesterday over people who do that and are sooooo blatantly doing that.

I just needed to get this out there. Because I need to be accountable. Because I need to start this. And because I need a break from my scale while I start this journey. I needed to vent my frustrations in more than 140 twitter characters.

There is one thing that can ruin this journey and that is a scale. Because if I don't see numbers change as fast as I think they should, forget it. I give up. 

I don't want to give up this time. No way.

Avery turned 1!!

Well, about two months ago, she turned one. This is not a recent thing. Ha. Anyway.... May 31. She turned one and I just can't fathom it, you guys. Not for one single second. I scoffed at all the old ladies who reminded me time and time again that I needed to cherish all the time we had. They were not kidding. It takes all of me to not shout out to current ladies I know that are pregnant or with newborns "OMG IT GOES SO FAST!!" Because it is cliche -- but oh so true.

Anyway, you all have seen most of these photos already but I can't help but post them. In case we aren't Facebook or Instagram friends, I suppose. Also, she is just the cutest thing ever. Just saying.We had the best time. She wasn't sure at first about being the center of attention, but it didn't take her long to eat it all up. And she wasn't sure about the cupcake. I had to stick some in her mouth and break it up a bit fore her, then she was all about it.

I feel like now, things have been happening very fast. Just about 2.5 weeks after her first birthday, she finally began army crawling, then full speed crawling on the same exact day.  Then about a month after that, she began pulling herself up to stand. I am waiting VERY patiently....for her to start walking. I'm not ready for that just yet. She has yet to completely figure out cruising and I am very ok with that. 

Here's to another wonderful year, miss A!

Turning a page...

I'm turning a page in my story. It was a hard page to turn, but it might work out after all. I am talking, of course, about my career. During all of my school, I wanted nothing more than to be a pediatric occupational therapist.  But after two stints in pediatric settings, two different ones, I am not sure now if this is it for me. It doesn't come naturally to me. In fact, it's really hard sometimes. I didn't automatically remember a lot of things like some people do. Especially sensory facts.

What has come easy for me is working with adults. I can reason with adults. I also feel like they don't set up unrealistic expectations for their therapy. When working with kids, I have felt so much stress and pressure working with their parents. It wasn't coming natural to me. After two years in the schools, I still did not feel that confident in myself in that setting. I couldn't find the right niche to fall into. I kept changing the routine or the way I handled things. I couldn't get it right. I dreaded going to work sometimes.

I thought long and hard about resigning. I had looked a lot for another job. And it was mostly a last minute decision to resign when I did it. After a few interviews, I found the right next job.

So this Monday, I am beginning a new journey. A scary journey.  I say scary because its going to feel like the first day of school all over again. New people to work with and hope that they like me.  Like a freaking middle schooler.

In the meantime, I am beginning research on what I can do with the new genre I will be working with -- the aging baby boomers.  Jumping in is what I do best.... Wish me luck!

What to do with the living room....?

So...I know that we are going to be renovating our basement and master bedroom upstairs starting in January or February. But I am mostly distracted right now by our living room. This is probably because it is the room we are in the most often.  It isn't the largest of rooms, but it serves its purpose.  Right now, it houses a lot of kid toys, which will eventually make its way into the basement rec area. Though, even when that gets done, how often am I really going to let a two year old play down there without me. Ha. Yeah, right. So there will still be toys in this room.

Things I know I want to do: repaint (but not sure what color); buy a small sectional (in grey - to use up corner space that is currently dead); possible add a bench/coat rack by the front door; do something different with the main window treatments; maybe crown molding (which is going to be an issue unless we have the plaster redone or install drywall INSTEAD -- the walls aren't completely flat -- GO PRE-WAR construction!!). 

We have all original hard wood in here (the wood we also tried to re-expose in Avery's room and in the kitchen, lo and behold -- previous owners had RUINED IT. RUINED IT with mastic glue in her room. Yes, someone put in glued tiles. Horrible. We tried to fix it, but it was a disaster. For now, carpet is down. And the kitchen? Layers upon layers of subfloor and vinyl flooring -- there were huge SCREWS in the wood floor)...that I may want to eventually refinish. I can't decide if we should leave this color or go darker. There are areas of the floor that NEED to be redone that we hide right now under the furniture. 

I tried sending idea to my MIL because she is fabulous at this stuff, but she keeps brushing me off to tell me to focus on the basement. Nothing to focus on down there. My husband is taking control of that project and I will want it pretty basic. Egress window, waterproofing, drywall. Probably a pale grey paint. Wait. Ok, I lied. I could totally focus on the laundry room and what I want down there...Hmm...

Anyway....back to the living room. Here are a couple of pictures....

This door leads to the office/dining area. The office will be relocating into the basement. 

That giant Expedit will probably be moving to the basement and a shorter one will take its place.

For the most part, I love this space. It has great light most of the time. And all I know about what I want in here for now? Is this couch. 

Pottery Barn Buchanan Sectional in Performance EverydayVelvet (Platinum)

$1849  and KID PROOF treated fabric

This is a smaller sectional and it is perfect for our small room. PERFECT.

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After the making of this post, I went nuts moving things around the living room. Took an Expedit form another room that really wasn't being used. This actually created a larger area for Avery to play in. 

Anyway, regardless of what my MIL says, I am making some changes in details in this living room. It's going to be awhile until the rest of the house is done and I need a project right now....

One week (& nearly) gluten free....

Except for a few indiscreet bites of things I knew had wheat in them, here and there this past week, I have been fairing rather well! The hardest part of this new challenge to my new diet turned out not to be giving up beer (after asking around Twitter, I found out that Omission makes an excellent nearly gluten free beer). It was being sick and not turning to the usual comforting carbs I typically grab for.

It started off as bad allergies and tumbled quickly into bronchitis. I wanted nothing more than chicken noodle soup, ramen noodles, and pretzels. Don't ask me why those are my go to foods when down and out, they just are. I found a soup with rice noodles in it that was....ok, but it wasn't chicken so it didn't have that same calming effect. And I did end up eating 2 large sourdough pretzels just to calm my stomach after my first dose of antibiotics.

I am up at the lake this week and my biggest concern had been eating while here. My inlaws also love carbs. But I had volunteered to bring up a lot of my own things as substitutes and they have been trying them out and enjoying them, surprisingly. The first night I was here, we broke out the pancake mix I brought and they were pleasantly surprised. Of course, we cooked those the rather unhealthy way....my MIL cooks her pancakes in freaking Crisco -- so basically anything cooked in Crisco is going to taste good, though, right? Ha. At any rate, they said they looked and tasted just like whole wheat pancakes. I'm very happy they were open to eating them.  I also made them something with zucchini noodles. I wasn't comfortable eating the noodles raw....not that I wasn't comfortable per se, I just love zucchini cooked, so I sauteed them in a smidge of olive oil.

My biggest challenge is breakfasts and lunches. I love crackers and breads. I decided for this first week to get some gluten free crackers, but have not ventured into trying gluten free sandwich bread at this time. I did bring up buns to try for dinner tonight and tomorrow, so fingers crossed. My inlaws do not have any other buns so I hope they forgive me if they are gross. They are Udi's, however, so I think we will be ok.

Some of the foods I have tried this week....

Zucchini noodles with artichoke/walnut/lemon pesto

Greek salad with cucumber spirals

Bob's Red Mill pancake mix (and smoky links)

Jambalaya

Omission Pale Ale

Here's to another week of gluten free! I hope this coming week, I partake in a little less "accidental" wheat! That's my goal, anyway!

On going gluten free....

What an intimidating thing to do, go gluten free. But I recently decided that this is what I wanted to research and possibly try out for myself. Between reading the AntiAnxiety Food Solution and recently starting to read Wheat Belly. I knew it was time that I finally gave this lifestyle thing a try. I'm desperate for a change. Not just for weight loss, but for my overall health. My husband's health -- he has type 2 diabetes and has to be careful with carbs as it is.  You have no idea how eye opening the two books were for me, you guys. NO idea.

I am only on day 2 of this journey. And already on day one, I screwed up by eating Triscuits with my tuna salad, because I hadn't gotten to the store yet for crackers I could eat with it. I feel terrible today. I can't tell if it's because of my allergies or if I already feel whacked in the head from not eating gluten. Is that possible? I know of withdrawal symptoms but this fast? It doesn't seem possible. I am very much thinking today's issues are allergies, because I have drainage, sore throat, and coughing right now. Ragweed is moderate lately on the allergy forecast.  It was also a major part of 2 of my allergy shots (I got one in each arm). It was the side that we could never increase because I'm THAT allergic to ragweed. Rumor has it that people have also seen improvement in their seasonal allergies thanks to going gluten free. And dang it, I'd like to see if that happens to me. OMG, seasonal allergies suck so badly.

It's going to take time to figure out the balance of how to eat now that I'm taking away these wheat calories.  "Should you choose to go further than just removing wheat, you must replace lost wheat calories with real food."* I'm still intimidated of course. But we are already making huge steps to eat better and more "real." We are eating more local foods when we can. And stepping it up to include meats  -- especially meats that are not injected with hormones and antibiotics.

Yes, I realize that this may all be in vain and it may not work for us. Yes, I am well aware that it will possibly be an expensive endeavor.  I am also aware that it may initially cause issues for Dan and I as far as withdrawal symptoms (though, truth be told, I'm not sure how dedicated Dan is to the cause.  He may be rebelling just a tad this week because of the fact that I told him he really needs to step away from beer to make this experiment worthwhile.  He LOVED that piece of information...)

I get asked, why would we want to do this? Some people are actually allergic to gluten and think I'm crazy, telling me that they wish they didn't have to do it this way, so why would I choose to? Because I'm desperate. I'm very desperate. I know I may not lose weight on this. But I want to see some sort of resolution of the anxiety I have dealt with heavily for 12 years.

It's all worth it to me.

- - -
*Davis MD, William (2011-08-30). Wheat Belly: Lose the Wheat, Lose the Weight, and Find Your Path Back To Health (Kindle Locations 2938-2939). Rodale. Kindle Edition. 

Updates

You guys, I had a crazy month of June. So crazy that I never got back on here to talk about our home renovation plans. Maybe because that has been the last thing on our minds lately. I will have to do another post on it, but Avery started to FINALLY become a lot more mobile. She's a crawling fool. She's still technically behind as far as gross motor, because she's still not trying to pull to stand -- in fact, when we pull her to stand, it makes her so nervous. We'll have to work on that, getting her used to just being in a standing position. What a nervous little gal.

I resigned from my job last month. I have been on the fence with that for a long time. I have honestly been looking lightly for a new job almost the entire school year. After an interview that didn't go as I had hoped in January, I kind of stopped the serious searching, but it was still on my mind. I had not been happy. I'm not sure why the school jobs are so coveted. Maybe it's because of all the time off that one gets in the summer and holidays. But the pay sucks. And the caseloads, at least in our county, are insanely high (we REALLY needed another OT), so therefore, I had felt like I couldn't really focus and dedicate a ton of time to my students. There is so much that school OT should be involved in -- RTI (response to intervention) and 504 plans...that our county wasn't as involved in. It really stunk. I feel like everything I had learned in continuing education I couldn't even make happen. NO TIME.

I began to feel stressed out about having to do a lot of work from home, at night. I'd tackle a lot at night after Avery went to bed. I had equipment all over the place -- in my car, office, different areas of home. And frankly, I was just done with that. Our house isn't that big. And suddenly we had a ton of baby stuff all over the place as well. And every time we wanted to leave the house for the weekend, I had to unpack my car. INSANE.

I am also looking to go back to a medical model/clinical based practice. I have missed that the most.  I am also considering home health care. Which still would involve some equipment, I imagine, but there is generally less to travel with. I'm nervous about finding work, but excited about the new possibilities.

In the mean time, I escaped a few days earlier than planned for the July 4th holiday and have been enjoying the lake life. Not even thinking about pending financial DOOM.....

Thoughts on where to live....

Dan and I have been trying to decide the last year or so what we want to do with our house. We currently live in a small pre-war cape cod. Sounds classy now that I put it that way..... At any rate, it is between 1000 - 1100 square feet. And only because our second floor? Was an attic that was converted into a bedroom, our master bedroom. There are two bedrooms on the main floor -- once is Avery's room and the other we are using as a combined office/dining space. I think the most frustrating thing is that combined office/dining. It's annoying that it's not even close to the kitchen, sure, but the worst part? Is that because of the office also being in that space, we have room for a 4 person table. That's it. So freaking frustrating.

We have been trying to decide one of the three options: 1) Sell our home -- build a new one. 2) Sell our home -- buy a new one. 3) Stay in our home -- renovated to make it at least more functional.

We started off by looking at small home plans. Functional but under 1400 square feet. We are attempting to live a more minimized lifestyle. It's more economical, for sure. Our heating and electric bills only reached as high as $225 this winter. And we had a long cold winter. We don't need more than one living room. We would love more space for entertaining, but frankly, we aren't usually entertaining more than a few people at a time. We want a space for guests to sleep over if possible as well. The probably with building in our area is that there seems to be limited land out there, unless it's in a subdivision and those pieces of land are insanely overpriced and some of those subdivisions have minimal home size requirements. We don't want to belong to an association. I would love to build, but I want to stay in our school system. We just aren't sure about getting approval for a construction loan either. We don't have as much saved for a down payment as I'd like. And there is a high rate of foreclosures in our area as well. SUPER HIGH RATE. It would not be impossible to get a loan for construction, but it will be harder. Dan had a chat with some people about the subject. At any rate...

Do we purchase a home currently on the market then? There is a lot in our price range out there that are decent. But I can see that there are a lot of homes that we would have to still do some work on to make them work for us. And other homes I feel like aren't worth the prices they are just because do the location they are in. I just haven't seen anything that made me think -- oh!! This is the place for us! To grow our family!! Oh wait. We aren't. I think we are coming to the conclusion that Avery is it for us. (It's a long story involving issues with postpartum depression and anxiety. Let's just say I've been in hell with these issues and I don't want to go through it again. I don't want Dan to go through it again -- I love him too much.) And I haven't seen any other smaller homes that hit my attention either.

In the back of my mind, I have constantly had home renovation fantasies. I have seen online and in magazines, not to mention Pinterest, amazing things being done with with small homes. We are 1/3 of the way through a thirty year mortgage. (Dan bought the house years before meeting me.) Only 20 more years until PAID OFF. PAID OFF BEFORE RETIREMENT HOLLA. I keep coming back to that. And our low mortgage payment. We would be possibly looking at nearly doubling that mortgage. We live on a busy street, but it's a great location. The neighborhood behind us is essentially considered lower middle class, but it's not in crap shape. The people are generally nice, care about their homes (with the exception of a few here and there), and it's quiet. The school down the road from our house, just a few blocks, is where Avery will go and it's one of the better ones in our district. We have larger backyard -- just needs to be fenced in.

When we talked about these things with Dan's parents, they offered to possibly help us with a down payment on a new place, so be could get a bigger and better place than we were first looking at. But then we mentioned that we would like to renovate....and the same offer stands. Funds to help us make the home we live in and love (most of the time), more functional for us.

Dan and I have spent most of our free time this last week or two drawing up ideas. And Dan spent time in AutoCad drawing up these plans. We presented them last night to his parents. And it sounds like this fall we will begin researching contractors and getting quotes and plans drawn up and will hopefully start in January on this.

I am so excited to start all of of the research and am already attacking Pinterest for ideas. I will get around to telling you about the plans later this week....but just wanted to share the very start of this process with you. I can't wait to document everything over time!

Avery and her PT

On May 1st, we had Avery officially evaluated by a physical therapist. She is on target for her reflexes and some of her stationary movements, but at 11 months old...her locomotion actually looks more like a 6 month old. 

For the past few weeks, we have been putting in a lot of time working on her skills. We have worked on homework from the PT and we have been doing a few mommy suggested things as well. She almost never sits up (only breaks and when she plays with sensory boxes) and spends most of her time on her tummy. She no longer hates tummy time!! Whee!! She is moving around in circles better on her tummy as well, using both her arms and knees to move around. Yesterday, she actually was kind of sitting on her side. 

And this past weekend. The best thing EVER.  ROLLING OVER. And she is consistently doing it now!!! She was sort of doing it in March, but not that great. And she would not consistently do it. In fact, after a couple of weeks, she kind of seemed to say "eff this" and wouldn't do it anymore. It was too much work. 

We are now going to start focusing on her vestibular system a bit. Because she is so darn cautious and doesn't like to be moved beyond her comfort zone. Our PT suggested we put her in a little blanket, like a hammock, and swing her around a big. At home, I have also incorporated a therapy ball as well. She does fine in a regular swing, so I'm not SUPER worried about her vestibular sensitivities. I'm more kicking my own butt, but we'll talk about that in a minute. 

(Taken from behind a 2 way mirror....You can't tell, but she is crying in this picture.)

PT sessions themselves have been a little rough for Avery. I like them because I can borrow some of her techniques and work on them at home. It works great! But as far as Avery working with the PT....She hates it. She's got stranger anxiety and someone other than mom is pushing her beyond her comfort zone. Dan took her yesterday and every single picture he sent, she was clearly red faced and crying.  But the PT thinks she is really showing improvement, even working with her. So that's great. I had a hard time watching last week because I just wanted to run out and comfort her. 

So...on to mommy guilt. I am an OT and I really should have known better...to not let her get out of tummy time the moment she figured out how to sit up. I just hated hearing her scream and cry over it. She got plenty at daycare, though, so it is likely she still would have had issues even if I had forced the tummy time issue. We found out a couple of weeks ago that Dan didn't even walk until between 18-20 months, which is considered a bit late. So it's likely she is just slower on the gross motor path just like he was. 

Again, I have said this before and I will say it again...IT'S SO HARD to see other kids developing typically and see her so far behind. But we're rolling now. And sometimes, while she's scooting backward, she momentarily gets those legs up under her and rocks on them. Even just for a moment, she's rocking on them.

I couldn't be more proud and excited for what she will accomplish this summer....

She'll be fine. I hope.

Look, I get it. I worry too much. I overthink way too often. But it's just who I am.  My current overthinking is all about Avery. As usual.  For the last couple of months, I have been lamenting on her current inability to crawl. But thinking and looking back at things, I should have really been lamenting on other things in regards to her gross motor abilities. She is so cautious. I don't understand why. I don't understand why she she is so stiff, why she prefers extension over flexion. I don't understand why she is so uncomfortable with weight shifting. Why she isn't trying to right herself. I don't understand why.

As an occupational therapist? This makes me feel like a partial failure. Because there are a number of different things she is behind on that I could have been working on. And now I feel like I'm too late to personally try anything.  I feel horrible that I have to send her to day care full time and I can't keep her home to work on these things. I contemplate asking daycare to try a few things here and there, but I can't know if these things are going to be done correctly.  I also feel at a loss and maybe I'm not doing these things correctly. Because when I try things with her, she freaks out.  Maybe I'm too stressed and not comfortable enough to handle this on my own.

I know it is not the end of the world to get referred to Early Intervention or a private PT. So many kiddos are and they turn out just fine. It doesn't mean that this is the start of a long road of needed services. And even if it does, I will figure it all out.  But this is really hard, you guys. It's hard.

It's so hard to see other people's YOUNGER kids doing things Avery hasn't even begun to attempt.  It breaks my freaking heart, you guys.  Seeing so many pictures on social media. Seeing the other babies that were born around the same time as Avery in our church.  Everywhere I go people are asking me if she's getting around and getting into trouble. I say no, and they all look at me  knowingly and tell me that she must just be lazy or she'll get there in no time! Before I know it she'll be all over the place. I'd like for that to be true, but the more I analyze it, the more behind I realize she is. The movements she should have been able to do 3-4 months ago, for instance.

I don't want to get into all the technical talk.  Just know I'm struggling so very much right now. Please think of me and Avery (and Dan, too. Though, frankly, I don't think they same weight is felt by him. He probably has the better attitude of us both. That she'll be fine. And she will be....But I need her fine sooner rather than later.)

Coming through on the other side...

This week, for the first time in a very long time...I finally feel like I'm seeing the light at the end of the PPD tunnel. I woke up one morning and didn't have as much of an issue getting out of bed. I was feeling rather positive. I started this week decreasing my Lexapro and I'm wondering, actually, if that hasn't contributed to things getting better. Sometimes that stuff helps my anxiety, but sometimes it makes me feel so ridiculously numb.

Today, for the first time in the 9 months since Avery was born, I got on the treadmill and worked out and didn't feel like complete crap when I was done. Normally, I have been feeling like garbage within minutes of starting. In fact, today, I even bit it on the treadmill at the gym. My knee got really scraped up, but I was able to get back up and get back on it to finish my workout. It felt GREAT to get through it even though I was understandably sore. I did day one of week 1....back on the Couch 2 5K horse today and I feel so happy!!!

I also decided to go back on a hormonal birth control this month. While it has brought about MANY annoying side effects (such as breakthrough bleeding), I'm starting to wonder if that has helped my mood some as well.

I still continue to go to therapy, but I'm no longer crying in sessions. And I'm not "fake" laughing quite as much any more either.

I have lost weight, but not sure how much. I haven't gotten on a scale in a couple of weeks, but I can just tell. Maybe it's because I gave up excess sugars for Lent (no candy or treats...no ice cream. WAH!! And I've only been letting myself have 8oz of Coca Cola on Fridays only. Hey! The Catholics get Fish Fry Fridays, darn it).  But I had a major day yesterday. I pulled on a pair of American Eagle Slim Boot cut jeans. In a size 8. I was in a 6 before getting pregnant. So being in a size 8 right now?? FEELS AMAZING.  Thanks to the mommy tummy I'm still working on, they don't look quite like I want them to just yet. But I'm getting there. :)

Just to share a few pics of my body:

June 2014, a week post partum

March 2014. 9 months post partum. 

I still have a lot of work to do, but you know what? I've done well. And now that this horrible cloud of depression is leaving, I can finally focus on taking care of MYSELF. 

A weight on my chest...

I wish I could explain what it is about anxiety that completely screws up my day. Why it ruined a perfectly fabulous weekend for me. I had training this weekend to help me prep for taking an OT student in the fall. I'm wondering if part of the problem is that I'm feeling anxious, in general, about HAVING a student. 

It's certainly overwhelming. The responsibility of making sure a student is at entry level in the school setting....I am almost afraid I can't handle it. That I don't even know enough to teach the student!!!  

I think the fieldwork coordinator who was instructing the course wanted to beat me over the head with a book....

I woke up this morning with the tightness of anxiety horribly sitting on my chest. Not letting me breathe. It. Sucked. I had moments that it went better. I had moments that were really bad. 

I am now sitting on that couch in comfy clothes. Feeling exhausted. Buzzing with internal anxiety means, however, that test isn't coming easily. This has been like this since the baby was born. 

It got better at one point then got worse again after I weaned from pumping. Can't. Do. This. My doc and counselor both said I should increase my Lexapro dosage. I don't WANT to. But I should. And quit caffeine for good. 

Right now I am just desperate to relax and enjoy time with my family.

SHE ROLLED OVER!!!

Ok, you guys. This is huge. HUGE. HUGER THAN HUGE. I can't stop jumping up and down, posting on Facebook or Twitter about this....MY BABY ROLLED OVER.  I have been a hot mess about her gross motor development, as you all know (by my nearly daily lamenting on Twitter over this).  No, she hasn't been technically behind. However, she hasn't rolled in a couple of months....She might occasionally do that on accident, but never on purpose. If she doesn't figure it out first, she may not be able to figure out a lot of other things. Like trying to crawl. Scoot. Etc etc etc.

Being an OT mama, I chatted with my mentor recently, and he suggested some things to try that I about hit my palm to my face over. Well, DUH.  He steered me over to Mama OT and her awesome blog post on tips for rolling over.

We've been practicing just a couple of them the last couple of days -- very diligently, I might add. She mostly enjoyed this practice. She was getting close to being able to do it, but still needed a little push from us.

Today? I got home from some training and worked on it with her. Sometimes it took a few times of "winding up" for her to get over, but I caught this gem on video and MAN, I am insanely proud.

Then there was THIS:

Rolling the ball back and forth with her mommy. My heart pretty much exploded during this moment. Well, both of these moments. Two major things for her in one day!!!  So...I'm feeling a MILLION times better about her development. :) And I feel pretty darn silly to have been worrying about it in the first place.

finding a way to track life...

I suck at organizing. So when the concept of the Bullet Journal became a huge discussion on Twitter recently, I began considering it.  Spoiler alert. I'm not following through with that plan. In fact, I'm making progress, I'm not even going to start TRYING that plan.  I have such an issue with following through.

For example....

I still struggle finding the best way to document what's going on with my day with treatment sessions and tracking my schedule.  I currently am entering notes electronically, into a google form that enters it into a spreadsheet (with only student initials so that it's not a violation of anything). Previously this year, I was doing things on paper. I'm not doing well with transferring information on paper into the current set up I have going. I WILL NEVER CATCH UP. Do I just give up? Just file the papers and from here on out enter it all electronically!?

Until November, I was using my Google Calendar -- last year and this year. But I wanted a paper planner so that I could also write in to dos. You see, I TRIED to use an app for to dos. And another app for notes. And another for my calendar. I just got overwhelmed.  For awhile I was actually keeping a paper planner AND using my phone planner. GAH.

I think my biggest problem is motivation and boredom. I don't get excited to fill up a planner. So maybe I should stop using a planner. BUT! If I use just my phone, I often just FORGET to check my to do list and notes. And, uh...I most of the time just IGNORE alerts that remind me.

At this rate, the school year is really nearing the end.  We are more than half a year complete. So forget trying to come up with a new system this year. And the fact that my husband would KILL me if I told him that the $50 planner I bought for this school year (Erin Condren), was wasted...After I spent that amount last year on a Franklin Covey. Whoops?

I really need to get my act together. I am taking on a student next fall and if I can't demonstrate that I have it all together, how am I ever going to teach them how to keep things organized!?

Does anyone have any to-die-for tips on how to keep their life organized? Apps? Methods?

- - -
Side note:

I have finally figured out a way to actually organize my work equipment, however. A Thirty One seller recently announced on Facebook a flash sale for Large Utility totes. $17.50 a piece! 50% off! I'm not a HUGE Thirty One fan but these totes are sturdy, have a metal frame around the opening and will be perfect for placing in my trunk for equipment. I will be able to switch things in and out of my black cart that I take into the school.

Now to just figure out the above dilemma.

a few pieces of Mel...

I finally (FINALLY) got signed up for the CDP exchange and am so excited! I have missed the sign up for the last few and I'm feel left out when I see people chatting about it on Twitter. :)  I am excited to find out who I will be sending things to. I have fun putting together care packages for people I know...so it will be interesting to put together something for someone I don't know very well.

Anyway, what this post is about? Information about me! Hopefully, it will help the person selected to send me CDP's get to know who I am a little bit better.  (I stink at making up questions, so admittedly, I went ahead and took some from a few of the recommended questions!).

• Tell me about your family.
• I have been married to Dan since October 2, 2009. I can't believe it will be 5 years this year. We had big plans for a big vacation this year, but 5 years came up quickly! We met a mere year before we married. But when you know, you know. I was with someone before him, for 4 years, and nothing panned out in that relationship. To some, we got married too quickly. But I've never loved someone more. 
• We have a daughter, Avery, who was born May 31, 2013. She is almost 10 months old and it's insane. For many years I did not want children. Pregnancy and parenthood intimidated me like nothing else.  I think we have decided that she MIGHT be our only child so I cherish every single moment with her.
• What kind of pets do you have?
• I have two miniature dachshunds -- Ike and Vienna. They are the most stubborn of stubborn animals in the entire world. But generally, I love them anyway.
• If you had it to do over again what would you study in school?
• Engineering, without a doubt in my mind. I absolutely loved math when I was younger. Loved it. In fact, in Trig my junior year, I got a 100% on my final exam. My teacher at the time encouraged me to consider engineering in college. While she was currently a teacher, she had a past career in engineering so I figured she knew a lot about it. However, my senior year, she moved across the state. She would have been the one teaching physics and calculus. The new teacher that came in?  Was horrendous. I dropped that class within 2 weeks. And after that? I lost the dream. Later on in my twenties I would consider it once more, but I chose a different path.
• So what did you choose?
• I chose to be an occupational therapist. No, I don't help people find jobs. But I do help them regain their independence to do the job they do best -- LIVE.  Right now, I work specifically in a school system. It is my job to help students, who qualify for special education,  participate in the general education classroom to the best of their ability. I work on fine motor coordination and visual perceptual skills, as well as sensory needs that may arise for the students. 
• If you won the lottery, what's the first thing you would do?
• Two things -- pay off debt and our mortgage immediately...and plan a fabulous vacation.
• What do you miss most about being a kid?
• Not having a thing in the world to be worried about. As I got older, it became evident that I had issues with anxiety (and later on in my twenties, it became apparent that it led me to depression on some occasions). 
• What are some of your favorite television shows?
• Scandal, Parenthood, Modern Family, House of Cards, How I Met Your Mother, Pretty Little Liars, Gilmore Girls
• What book can you read over and over?
• The Stand by Stephen King. I wish I knew what intrigued me about that book. I'm not sure if it's the apocalyptic undertones, the battle of good vs. evil, or what.  I also love reading any book about the Holocaust and World War 2. I wish I knew precisely WHY it appeals to me, but I don't! 
• Things I LOVE
• Coffee. Mint green and teal anything. iPhone cases (5c -- and I try changing them to match my mood that day. I'm pathetic). My iPhone and iPad (I'm addicted to trying to figure out how I can incorporate tech with real life. Dachshunds. Yoga. Walking. Microbrewed beers. 

I could really go on and on and on with these questions...Maybe I should ask my readers for questions?? If you have any for me, let me know!

car accidents suck...

Car accidents suck. They really really really suck. I got into one just a week ago. It already feels like a million years away.

Winter has been rough in Michigan. We have had a great deal of snow and winter storms...but not many days that have allowed some of this snow to melt. Therefore, we have piles and piles of it all around the house.  This next picture? Is from early February. If you can imagine, it's still there. AND SOME.

This is a picture of in front of our house at the time. We have a ton more there. A TON.

So, at any rate, I'm sure you can imagine that when pulling out of our driveway, it's tough. The city plows have piled snow up high on the side of the roads. And we, and our neighbors, have kept piling it higher as we have worked to keep our sidewalks clear for kids walking down to the school a mere 3 blocks away. As well as keeping it clear for people who are trying to get down to the bus stops. 

We have had this method of stopping just before the road, right where the sidewalk is, for a visual of what's just down the road, and clearings in traffic so that we can pull out. I was watching what I thought was the last car before a clearing and when it passed, I pulled out. And promptly got hit. AWESOME. 

My husband happened to be home at the time, and somehow...didn't hear it. So I am scrambling around my car for my phone -- my purse and work bag had flown off the seat (and a cup of coffee had also been tossed into that mess). I called him and the first thing he said after I told him!? "Were you not paying attention? Did you not look before you pulled out??" If I didn't desperately need help getting OUT of my car, I would have threatened divorce right then and there. " YOU HAVE GOT TO BE EFFIN KIDDING ME GET OUTSIDE." was probably what I shouted. But I'm sure I actually inserted a few sailor words in there. 

Long story short, I ended up with a ticket that the officer kind of told me to fight, without saying as much. And my car is stuck at the body shop until God knows when. $8k or more in damage. And they are backed up so they can't start it until March 19th. I am thankful for rental insurance more than you can even know. Though, I have a first world problem....My rental doesn't have heated seats or Sirius XM radio. Heh.  I am in the car SO effing much, and rely heavily on that darn radio to get me THROUGH my drives. It's going to be a rough month. 

I'm ok. My whiplash is already improving and the goose egg on my head really doesn't hurt that much anymore. I just want my car back, darn it all!!!! 

The worries of a mom...

I haven't done any blogging in forever. FOREVER. It's the usual thing. I  have so many posts running around my brain at all times, but by the time I sit down to write them, I'm off doing something else or just not remembering what I was going to write anymore.

- - -

At any rate, I have a topic on my mind. Let's talk about the frustration and concern I am having about Avery and her lack of wanting to be mobile.  I don't know why this frustrates me so incredibly much. She's 9 months old. There is no major concern about gross motor issues until she hits 12 months old and still isn't demonstrating an interest or skills to be independent.

She is doing great with fine motor. She's eating like a champ, self feeding like a champ, learning how to use a sippy cup and a big kid cup (with out help!), and she is vocal. Babbles like crazy. She's awesome. But she doesn't feel motivated to try to move. Tummy time has been a nightmare for us since she learned how to sit up. Now that she can sit up, that's what she wants to do and heaven help the soul that places her in any other position.

We haven't been tough enough on this in the past and we are attempting to be tougher. It usually takes crying for about 5 minutes and then she can move on her tummy to get to things. But she's not trying to get her legs under her. She's not trying to move forward. Just side to side.

She can roll. But hasn't really done so since 4 or 5 months. She isn't one of those kids rolling around to get places.  As stubborn as she is, I really expected her to be trying to do some of these things.

I don't think she's super behind developmentally as far as gross motor. She can sit up without assistance for a super long time. She can, with her hands held up in the air by me, pull herself up to standing.  Her doc says she's crazy strong and says that once she figures it all out, she'll be rocking and rolling without any problems.

I found the referral form online for Early On Intervention and it's bookmarked in my browser. I'm so ready to attempt to jump on the gun on it, but I know that deep down, it may not be needed. It's just hard. I am an OT and I should be able to help encourage her to move around more. But EVERY SINGLE activity I introduce? Just doesn't work.

I don't have work today (snow day!) and so I'm typing this as I observe her playing on the floor. Sitting up. I gathered a ton of toys around her. So she would have to move to get them. She at first just started to play with her feet. Content to not get anything around her. Eventually she S-T-R-E-T-C-H-E-D over to the side to get something, but everything else? Once she has determined that she can't stretch to get them? She gives up.

Sigh....Trying not to freak out over here. I need some reassurance. Her doc said at her 9 month checkup not to worry.  She's SO strong! And she is impressing her doc with her fine motor skills amongst other things.  I need to just CALM down.