Coming through on the other side...

This week, for the first time in a very long time...I finally feel like I'm seeing the light at the end of the PPD tunnel. I woke up one morning and didn't have as much of an issue getting out of bed. I was feeling rather positive. I started this week decreasing my Lexapro and I'm wondering, actually, if that hasn't contributed to things getting better. Sometimes that stuff helps my anxiety, but sometimes it makes me feel so ridiculously numb.

Today, for the first time in the 9 months since Avery was born, I got on the treadmill and worked out and didn't feel like complete crap when I was done. Normally, I have been feeling like garbage within minutes of starting. In fact, today, I even bit it on the treadmill at the gym. My knee got really scraped up, but I was able to get back up and get back on it to finish my workout. It felt GREAT to get through it even though I was understandably sore. I did day one of week 1....back on the Couch 2 5K horse today and I feel so happy!!!

I also decided to go back on a hormonal birth control this month. While it has brought about MANY annoying side effects (such as breakthrough bleeding), I'm starting to wonder if that has helped my mood some as well.

I still continue to go to therapy, but I'm no longer crying in sessions. And I'm not "fake" laughing quite as much any more either.

I have lost weight, but not sure how much. I haven't gotten on a scale in a couple of weeks, but I can just tell. Maybe it's because I gave up excess sugars for Lent (no candy or treats...no ice cream. WAH!! And I've only been letting myself have 8oz of Coca Cola on Fridays only. Hey! The Catholics get Fish Fry Fridays, darn it).  But I had a major day yesterday. I pulled on a pair of American Eagle Slim Boot cut jeans. In a size 8. I was in a 6 before getting pregnant. So being in a size 8 right now?? FEELS AMAZING.  Thanks to the mommy tummy I'm still working on, they don't look quite like I want them to just yet. But I'm getting there. :)

Just to share a few pics of my body:

June 2014, a week post partum

March 2014. 9 months post partum. 

I still have a lot of work to do, but you know what? I've done well. And now that this horrible cloud of depression is leaving, I can finally focus on taking care of MYSELF. 

A weight on my chest...

I wish I could explain what it is about anxiety that completely screws up my day. Why it ruined a perfectly fabulous weekend for me. I had training this weekend to help me prep for taking an OT student in the fall. I'm wondering if part of the problem is that I'm feeling anxious, in general, about HAVING a student. 

It's certainly overwhelming. The responsibility of making sure a student is at entry level in the school setting....I am almost afraid I can't handle it. That I don't even know enough to teach the student!!!  

I think the fieldwork coordinator who was instructing the course wanted to beat me over the head with a book....

I woke up this morning with the tightness of anxiety horribly sitting on my chest. Not letting me breathe. It. Sucked. I had moments that it went better. I had moments that were really bad. 

I am now sitting on that couch in comfy clothes. Feeling exhausted. Buzzing with internal anxiety means, however, that test isn't coming easily. This has been like this since the baby was born. 

It got better at one point then got worse again after I weaned from pumping. Can't. Do. This. My doc and counselor both said I should increase my Lexapro dosage. I don't WANT to. But I should. And quit caffeine for good. 

Right now I am just desperate to relax and enjoy time with my family.

SHE ROLLED OVER!!!

Ok, you guys. This is huge. HUGE. HUGER THAN HUGE. I can't stop jumping up and down, posting on Facebook or Twitter about this....MY BABY ROLLED OVER.  I have been a hot mess about her gross motor development, as you all know (by my nearly daily lamenting on Twitter over this).  No, she hasn't been technically behind. However, she hasn't rolled in a couple of months....She might occasionally do that on accident, but never on purpose. If she doesn't figure it out first, she may not be able to figure out a lot of other things. Like trying to crawl. Scoot. Etc etc etc.

Being an OT mama, I chatted with my mentor recently, and he suggested some things to try that I about hit my palm to my face over. Well, DUH.  He steered me over to Mama OT and her awesome blog post on tips for rolling over.

We've been practicing just a couple of them the last couple of days -- very diligently, I might add. She mostly enjoyed this practice. She was getting close to being able to do it, but still needed a little push from us.

Today? I got home from some training and worked on it with her. Sometimes it took a few times of "winding up" for her to get over, but I caught this gem on video and MAN, I am insanely proud.

Then there was THIS:

Rolling the ball back and forth with her mommy. My heart pretty much exploded during this moment. Well, both of these moments. Two major things for her in one day!!!  So...I'm feeling a MILLION times better about her development. :) And I feel pretty darn silly to have been worrying about it in the first place.

finding a way to track life...

I suck at organizing. So when the concept of the Bullet Journal became a huge discussion on Twitter recently, I began considering it.  Spoiler alert. I'm not following through with that plan. In fact, I'm making progress, I'm not even going to start TRYING that plan.  I have such an issue with following through.

For example....

I still struggle finding the best way to document what's going on with my day with treatment sessions and tracking my schedule.  I currently am entering notes electronically, into a google form that enters it into a spreadsheet (with only student initials so that it's not a violation of anything). Previously this year, I was doing things on paper. I'm not doing well with transferring information on paper into the current set up I have going. I WILL NEVER CATCH UP. Do I just give up? Just file the papers and from here on out enter it all electronically!?

Until November, I was using my Google Calendar -- last year and this year. But I wanted a paper planner so that I could also write in to dos. You see, I TRIED to use an app for to dos. And another app for notes. And another for my calendar. I just got overwhelmed.  For awhile I was actually keeping a paper planner AND using my phone planner. GAH.

I think my biggest problem is motivation and boredom. I don't get excited to fill up a planner. So maybe I should stop using a planner. BUT! If I use just my phone, I often just FORGET to check my to do list and notes. And, uh...I most of the time just IGNORE alerts that remind me.

At this rate, the school year is really nearing the end.  We are more than half a year complete. So forget trying to come up with a new system this year. And the fact that my husband would KILL me if I told him that the $50 planner I bought for this school year (Erin Condren), was wasted...After I spent that amount last year on a Franklin Covey. Whoops?

I really need to get my act together. I am taking on a student next fall and if I can't demonstrate that I have it all together, how am I ever going to teach them how to keep things organized!?

Does anyone have any to-die-for tips on how to keep their life organized? Apps? Methods?

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Side note:

I have finally figured out a way to actually organize my work equipment, however. A Thirty One seller recently announced on Facebook a flash sale for Large Utility totes. $17.50 a piece! 50% off! I'm not a HUGE Thirty One fan but these totes are sturdy, have a metal frame around the opening and will be perfect for placing in my trunk for equipment. I will be able to switch things in and out of my black cart that I take into the school.

Now to just figure out the above dilemma.

a few pieces of Mel...

I finally (FINALLY) got signed up for the CDP exchange and am so excited! I have missed the sign up for the last few and I'm feel left out when I see people chatting about it on Twitter. :)  I am excited to find out who I will be sending things to. I have fun putting together care packages for people I know...so it will be interesting to put together something for someone I don't know very well.

Anyway, what this post is about? Information about me! Hopefully, it will help the person selected to send me CDP's get to know who I am a little bit better.  (I stink at making up questions, so admittedly, I went ahead and took some from a few of the recommended questions!).

• Tell me about your family.
• I have been married to Dan since October 2, 2009. I can't believe it will be 5 years this year. We had big plans for a big vacation this year, but 5 years came up quickly! We met a mere year before we married. But when you know, you know. I was with someone before him, for 4 years, and nothing panned out in that relationship. To some, we got married too quickly. But I've never loved someone more. 
• We have a daughter, Avery, who was born May 31, 2013. She is almost 10 months old and it's insane. For many years I did not want children. Pregnancy and parenthood intimidated me like nothing else.  I think we have decided that she MIGHT be our only child so I cherish every single moment with her.
• What kind of pets do you have?
• I have two miniature dachshunds -- Ike and Vienna. They are the most stubborn of stubborn animals in the entire world. But generally, I love them anyway.
• If you had it to do over again what would you study in school?
• Engineering, without a doubt in my mind. I absolutely loved math when I was younger. Loved it. In fact, in Trig my junior year, I got a 100% on my final exam. My teacher at the time encouraged me to consider engineering in college. While she was currently a teacher, she had a past career in engineering so I figured she knew a lot about it. However, my senior year, she moved across the state. She would have been the one teaching physics and calculus. The new teacher that came in?  Was horrendous. I dropped that class within 2 weeks. And after that? I lost the dream. Later on in my twenties I would consider it once more, but I chose a different path.
• So what did you choose?
• I chose to be an occupational therapist. No, I don't help people find jobs. But I do help them regain their independence to do the job they do best -- LIVE.  Right now, I work specifically in a school system. It is my job to help students, who qualify for special education,  participate in the general education classroom to the best of their ability. I work on fine motor coordination and visual perceptual skills, as well as sensory needs that may arise for the students. 
• If you won the lottery, what's the first thing you would do?
• Two things -- pay off debt and our mortgage immediately...and plan a fabulous vacation.
• What do you miss most about being a kid?
• Not having a thing in the world to be worried about. As I got older, it became evident that I had issues with anxiety (and later on in my twenties, it became apparent that it led me to depression on some occasions). 
• What are some of your favorite television shows?
• Scandal, Parenthood, Modern Family, House of Cards, How I Met Your Mother, Pretty Little Liars, Gilmore Girls
• What book can you read over and over?
• The Stand by Stephen King. I wish I knew what intrigued me about that book. I'm not sure if it's the apocalyptic undertones, the battle of good vs. evil, or what.  I also love reading any book about the Holocaust and World War 2. I wish I knew precisely WHY it appeals to me, but I don't! 
• Things I LOVE
• Coffee. Mint green and teal anything. iPhone cases (5c -- and I try changing them to match my mood that day. I'm pathetic). My iPhone and iPad (I'm addicted to trying to figure out how I can incorporate tech with real life. Dachshunds. Yoga. Walking. Microbrewed beers. 

I could really go on and on and on with these questions...Maybe I should ask my readers for questions?? If you have any for me, let me know!

car accidents suck...

Car accidents suck. They really really really suck. I got into one just a week ago. It already feels like a million years away.

Winter has been rough in Michigan. We have had a great deal of snow and winter storms...but not many days that have allowed some of this snow to melt. Therefore, we have piles and piles of it all around the house.  This next picture? Is from early February. If you can imagine, it's still there. AND SOME.

This is a picture of in front of our house at the time. We have a ton more there. A TON.

So, at any rate, I'm sure you can imagine that when pulling out of our driveway, it's tough. The city plows have piled snow up high on the side of the roads. And we, and our neighbors, have kept piling it higher as we have worked to keep our sidewalks clear for kids walking down to the school a mere 3 blocks away. As well as keeping it clear for people who are trying to get down to the bus stops. 

We have had this method of stopping just before the road, right where the sidewalk is, for a visual of what's just down the road, and clearings in traffic so that we can pull out. I was watching what I thought was the last car before a clearing and when it passed, I pulled out. And promptly got hit. AWESOME. 

My husband happened to be home at the time, and somehow...didn't hear it. So I am scrambling around my car for my phone -- my purse and work bag had flown off the seat (and a cup of coffee had also been tossed into that mess). I called him and the first thing he said after I told him!? "Were you not paying attention? Did you not look before you pulled out??" If I didn't desperately need help getting OUT of my car, I would have threatened divorce right then and there. " YOU HAVE GOT TO BE EFFIN KIDDING ME GET OUTSIDE." was probably what I shouted. But I'm sure I actually inserted a few sailor words in there. 

Long story short, I ended up with a ticket that the officer kind of told me to fight, without saying as much. And my car is stuck at the body shop until God knows when. $8k or more in damage. And they are backed up so they can't start it until March 19th. I am thankful for rental insurance more than you can even know. Though, I have a first world problem....My rental doesn't have heated seats or Sirius XM radio. Heh.  I am in the car SO effing much, and rely heavily on that darn radio to get me THROUGH my drives. It's going to be a rough month. 

I'm ok. My whiplash is already improving and the goose egg on my head really doesn't hurt that much anymore. I just want my car back, darn it all!!!! 

The worries of a mom...

I haven't done any blogging in forever. FOREVER. It's the usual thing. I  have so many posts running around my brain at all times, but by the time I sit down to write them, I'm off doing something else or just not remembering what I was going to write anymore.

- - -

At any rate, I have a topic on my mind. Let's talk about the frustration and concern I am having about Avery and her lack of wanting to be mobile.  I don't know why this frustrates me so incredibly much. She's 9 months old. There is no major concern about gross motor issues until she hits 12 months old and still isn't demonstrating an interest or skills to be independent.

She is doing great with fine motor. She's eating like a champ, self feeding like a champ, learning how to use a sippy cup and a big kid cup (with out help!), and she is vocal. Babbles like crazy. She's awesome. But she doesn't feel motivated to try to move. Tummy time has been a nightmare for us since she learned how to sit up. Now that she can sit up, that's what she wants to do and heaven help the soul that places her in any other position.

We haven't been tough enough on this in the past and we are attempting to be tougher. It usually takes crying for about 5 minutes and then she can move on her tummy to get to things. But she's not trying to get her legs under her. She's not trying to move forward. Just side to side.

She can roll. But hasn't really done so since 4 or 5 months. She isn't one of those kids rolling around to get places.  As stubborn as she is, I really expected her to be trying to do some of these things.

I don't think she's super behind developmentally as far as gross motor. She can sit up without assistance for a super long time. She can, with her hands held up in the air by me, pull herself up to standing.  Her doc says she's crazy strong and says that once she figures it all out, she'll be rocking and rolling without any problems.

I found the referral form online for Early On Intervention and it's bookmarked in my browser. I'm so ready to attempt to jump on the gun on it, but I know that deep down, it may not be needed. It's just hard. I am an OT and I should be able to help encourage her to move around more. But EVERY SINGLE activity I introduce? Just doesn't work.

I don't have work today (snow day!) and so I'm typing this as I observe her playing on the floor. Sitting up. I gathered a ton of toys around her. So she would have to move to get them. She at first just started to play with her feet. Content to not get anything around her. Eventually she S-T-R-E-T-C-H-E-D over to the side to get something, but everything else? Once she has determined that she can't stretch to get them? She gives up.

Sigh....Trying not to freak out over here. I need some reassurance. Her doc said at her 9 month checkup not to worry.  She's SO strong! And she is impressing her doc with her fine motor skills amongst other things.  I need to just CALM down.