panic

There's something about anxiety that always kills me. I can't always understand it. Why it's bothered to even show up. It was a rough week with it, for some reason. I am trying to figure out why it's bad. I had PMS last week and normally anxiety is BEFORE. I had gluten on Sunday, half a beer. Was that it?  Maybe my seasonal allergies had me going? Who knows.

That's my cycle every single time I have an anxiety attack or a bad week of anxiety. It sucks so badly.

I will admit that things are improving greatly, though, as of late. Granted, I had a bad week, but it wasn't as bad as it could be. I just had a consistent buzzing feeling within my entire body. Tough.  But prior to this weird week, I saw a difference in my body. I quit hormonal birth control in February. I had been on the Nuva ring since last fall. And before we had Avery, I had been on it then. In fact, I had been on that for nearly 10 years before she was born (with a few months here and there on other types of BC pills during that timeline...when I was trying to save $$. The Nuva Ring is crazy $$!).

I had sat down and thought about the weight I wasn't able to lose after having Avery. The years and years of anxiety that also plagued me... Almost since I first ...went....on....birth control. MIND. BLOWN.

Seriously. I know that I am naturally a crazy person. Always hyped up and nervous. But the hormones made me just that much crazier. There's a lot to think about, as far as not wanting to have any more kids. So tracking things are going to be that much more of a headache.

But I'd rather not be in a constant state of panic.

Home improvements: An update

We have talked over and over again about what we need to do about our living situation. Whether to sell or to update this house into something more functional. Over time, we have decided...

To stay here.

Yes. Stay in our adorable little 1100 square foot cape cod bungalow. We have heating/cooling/electric bills that average $150-200 a month (it gets closer to $200 when it is super cold or super hot outside). There is less to clean. There is less space for stuff we don't need. And it adorable (or at least has the potential to be!).

It is super adorable, it is, but not always functional. But we got to thinking and discussing...Not functional for WHAT exactly? Sure! We'd love to hold bigger family gatherings here....But those don't exactly happen often. We don't have a huge family. Right now, the majority of our holiday happenings with my family are at someone else's house because they all live in a central location. Not anywhere near our house.

We don't have a huge group of close friends. We have friends here and there, but none are a part of a huge group.  Even when we get together with our church group, we let someone with a HUGE house deal with the hosting of the get togethers. Besides, I don't love hosting events anyway. Too much STRESS.

Now, last year, we had some major thoughts on what to do on the inside of the house to make a few changes. The quote we got back was absolutely insane. Like, INSANE. So there may be areas, over time, we don't tackle. Like the basement. As much as I'd like to finish off part of it and have a guest room down there? It's not required. So....that room is a maybe.

We also want to update our kitchen. The original plan? Was new cabinets. But you know what? We can make do with our own. Maybe hire someone (or *GASP* attempt ourselves) to repaint those. Then install new flooring, counter tops and a backsplash, new sink etc.  We might lose cabinet space by installing a small dishwasher, but that's ok. We don't need to make up for it by buying $5000-7000 worth of new cabinets.

The non-negotiable that I want to happen at some point while living here, however? Is having a new configuration in our bedroom. We live on the top level of this cape cod. Sloped ceilings and all. I want a new closet area built, and our current closet? Turned into a powder room. I don't care about having two showers, necessarily, int his house. But two toilets will be a life saver at some point.

But the real kicker?? Is our plan for the OUTSIDE of our house. Which, we hope, can get scheduled at some point in early summer. New siding, new roof. The works. Our front porch and pack patio deck will be ripped out as well. The foundation will be repainted. I am so freaking excited....

I will finally get a red door. But even better....A FREAKING ENERGY EFFICIENT DOOR. HAAA!! Two of them! One in the front AND the side! While my house does not look like this (but man, I wish it did. Love the windows on the second floor), I used this picture on Pinterest as a nice little inspiration:



I can't freaking WAIT.

Here is a current picture of our house (albeit, it's a funky stretched out picture from the cover of the quote from the siding/roofing company). There is snow on the roof in this picture. Imagine it with grey siding and a red door. :) The upper portion of the cables will be in shake sidding in a slightly darker great, the little peaks above the door will have this as well. I haven't decided yet if we are going to get shutters for the front windows. I am fearful the house will look too dull with out them. What do you think?



 

 

Ugh. I chickened out....

It's almost April and I realize that it has been awhile since I wrote here. I have had a lot going on in the last month. And more than once I have thought about sitting and writing about what is on my mind, but I struggle to do that sometimes.  I have been, in general, OVER talking on social media much. It's one thing to post here and there on FB. It's another to get into discussions via Twitter and Facebook posts. I still engage in it, but not very often.

I got thrown under the bus earlier this month. In short, I said something on FB that inadvertently offended someone. Someone I really didn't mean to offend. So I vented some of my frustration on Twitter. I was so frustrated. I had been through a lot of rough crap via Twitter earlier this year and I was just OVER people being sensitive. It really wasn't directed at the person who was offended. I was just overall DONE and upset. I had been sarcastic, it was taken wrong, and I was pissed off.

A friend of mine, who was the only IRL (in real life) person I really allow on my Twitter, took a screen shot of what I was saying on Twitter...She shared it with someone (who I KNOW I do not have on my Twitter list of followers), who then posted in on FB. Like a jerk.  I haven't approached the friend about this, but I did block her and someone else from Twitter. Just in case. I don't now how to even come close to approaching her or asking about it. I'm not 100% she did it; I'm only 75% certain she shared it.  (And if she is reading this....I don't think I want to KNOW if you did it or not. Just know that if you did, that really sucked. It really really sucked. It really hurt and I'm not sure why you would do that to me. It was inappropriately mean....)

- - -

Friendships are difficult aren't they? Sometimes they seem to be unnecessarily fragile. People change. Life situations change. People grow apart over stupid things. And I wonder if that is happening here.  It things have changed so much that this friendship is under duress.

- - -

Vague. This whole post was vague. But that's what happens when you're afraid to really state how you feel....I have had a lot of time to process this and figure out how I wanted to say all this. But I chickened out... I wanted to call someone out and get this off my chest, but it isn't quite how I want it to be....

My February...

It has been a rough few weeks for me. I am continuing to work out and do the 21 Day Fix, but not as regularly as I should because I have been down and out about the fact that I have been STUCK at my weight no matter how well I eat or how much I work out. It's been...sort of depressing. I can't stand this struggle anymore. It really isn't fair. I see so many new moms looks awesome and getting their pre-baby jeans on just months after the baby was born. I'm coming up on two years. TWO YEARS. And still. I am forever 10 pounds above pre-pregnancy weight. I have not crept back up to what I was before I worked out, but some days, the scale says I only lost 3-4 pounds with ALL THIS WORK. And I haven't cheated on my diet enough to be causing the issue of not losing.

It has led me to make some serious changes as of late. First of all, I went off hormonal birth control. I had most recently been trying the Nuva Ring again. But....I actually was experiencing some increased anxiety. Which would make sense -- it wasn't until I was on hormonal birth control at age 19-20 that I even started experiencing regular anxiety attacks. I wonder now if all this time, they could have been better controlled if I had not been on birth control. So, there is that.

No, we are not planning to have another baby in the near future. Just wanted to send that FYI out there.

I also decided that it has come the time to take a break from the SSRI again. This is my hardest break up yet. But I have a feeling that it has something to do with my weight gain. Before becoming pregnant, I had been placed back ON it. And then had to stay on it due to terrible pre-natal and post-partum depression. I feel like I most recently started to come out of that fog. In the past, SSRIs have caused me to either slowly gain weight. And looking back, it was when I was off of them that I got my weight under control. My doctor and I are working closely to make this happen for me. I was on a 5mg dosage for a very long time but had to increase so I am at 10mg. I have been going back and forth between 7.5 mg and 5mg for a week, with plans to eventually stay at 5mg for another week, then bop between 5mg and 2.5mg, then 2.5, then none.

Frankly, I almost want to just jump right to none. Because my doc says there is absolutely no guarantee that going gradual will help me feel less withdrawal symptoms. In fact, it may just PROLONG them, but I have too much going on in my life right now. I can't afford to take a sick day or something just because I'm feeling absolutely crazy and INSANE.  I...had a bad day this past Thursday. I was on my fourth day of lowered lexapro, AND I'm trying to incorporate gluten back in my life (so I can get formal testing at some point -- which I have to eat for a month or ago to get it back otherwise, the test could produce a false negative.)

I have been back on gluten semi-regularly for about 3 weeks. And it has been awful. Truly awful. The first week was...not terrible. I had headaches here and there. Felt slightly foggy. The second and third week brought nausea, headaches and anxiety. But again, that could be connected to the Lexapro.

I realize I am an idiot for dropping so many things at once, but enough was enough for me. I don't want to be on hormones. I don't want to be on medicine that screws with my brain chemicals. AND DARN IT -- if I want a craft beer, I am going to have one. That's all there is to it.

Oh! One more thing, I have been awfully quiet on Twitter these days. I don't want to beat a dead horse, but if you're wondering where I am, I am just avoiding it for the most part. Talking here and there, but that's about it. I...don't really miss it....

21 Day Fix - The end!

I am a week late posting this, but still wanted to post it to give it some finality. I am actually in the midst of the second round of it, but I will get into that later.

 

Here is my before and after: Not too bad!

Before Weight: 158.6 lbs Now: 154.4
Before Chest: 36″  Now: 34.5"
Before Right Arm: 13″ Now: 12.5"
Before Left Arm: 13″ Now: 12.5"
Before Waist (at belly button): 36.5″ Now: 33"
Before High Waist (natural waist): 31" Now: 29.5"
Before Hips: 42″ Now: 41"
Before Right Thigh: 26.5″ Now: 26"
Before Left Thigh: 27″ Now: 26"

It was a loss of 4.2 lbs and 10".  I had hoped for a few more pounds, but I'm not going to complain. Because LOOK at the difference!! I am now down another pound this week while I have been working on the first week of round 1.  I can not wait to see what happens in two more weeks.

On a side note...I just wanted to mention that I was VERY skeptical of all things Beachbody when I first started off. I had avoided ordering this system because it was specifically Beachbody. But now I find myself wondering what else is out there that I can order..... Hmm....What to do next?

 

A 21 Day Fix Update

I am 2 weeks into the 21 Day Fix and I don't have a ton to report as far as results. There have been some, for sure. Have lost 4 pounds and just a few inches. Nothing hard core and phenomenal. But I also didn't walk into the program believing it was an easy fix that would have me losing more than a couple of pounds a week. It has taught me a lot about portion sizes again. Which, sure, there are resources online to find out the 21DF portion sizes etc. But I personally needed something more disciplined to get back on track. Not to mention, I really like the workouts a lot.

They are tough! But not so tough that it is hard to exercise every day. The first week was a lot harder!! A LOT. I am still finding myself get sore this week but last week omg. For 3-4 days going DOWN stairs was insanely hard. This week? I purchased heavier weights. I'm very excited!!

And Saturday, I went skiing for the first time EVER. Which I can't wait to talk about more with you and I can't WAIT to go skiing again!!

- - -

But let's continue talking about the 21DF. And my battle with emotional eating. It has been the hardest thing in the world to change my eating habits again. I honestly haven't eaten well since before I got pregnant, at least not consistently. That was...OVER TWO YEARS AGO. So eating right? And avoiding carbs? So hard.

This program has really helped me remember portion sizes and what they really are. It has been hard to avoid some carb cravings but it's getting better.

Stay tuned for next week. Not sure I'm going to have a ginormous reveal to show off but I will still post it! :) I started two workouts a day today. So I better have gotten some where with all this hard work.

Avery happenings...

It has been awhile since we checked up on Miss Avery. I don't even know where to begin. A lot has happened over recent months with her development and she is now on par with everything, for the most part. She had been a little behind with gross motor development, but I ultimately think I didn't push hard enough sometimes for her to do tummy time. At least, not long enough for it to matter.  Other people tell me not to blame myself. As she is getting older and we are learning more about her and her budding personality? She does things when she is darn well ready to. Don't make her do it before she wants to.

I don't think I finally told you guys that she started walking (FINALLY) at 17 months of age. Almost on the cusp of "late." She turned 19 months on New Year's Eve and is now walking with almost no difficulties or hesitation at all. Even beginning some running, to the best of her ability.  This was amazing and I'm so glad we got there. We only did PT for about a month before she began crawling, then pulling herself up.  She started climbing up things soon after, and finally FINALLY walked. It was funny because she would take some steps. Then go back to crawling the next few days...Then she would take a few more steps.... Then wait a few more days again. She's brave, wants what she wants when she wants it. However. Sometimes she is cautious. Which is ok. I'm good with that. It just cracks me up at how stubborn she is!

As far as talking?? Coming along nicely. Her receptive language skills are awesome. She is beginning to understand instructions such as bring mommy and daddy this or that, amongst many others. She is not really combining two or more words together yet, but that will come. Her words have exploded. I can't even count how many she can say now. Every day there is a new one to report or laugh about.

Fine motor skills? Of course, a little above average - a 2-3 year old grasp :) (I'm an OT, of COURSE  I made sure those were up to par quickly, lol.)
She has most recently begun to master the spoon and fork. That was kind of a shock. She really hasn't shown much interest in it. Would try it here and there, but usually insisted we continued to help. So we did, no big deal. Then one day over Christmas break, she got angry with me for trying to help. I backed off and have rarely helped since.

I feel kind of dumb for worrying SO stinking about her development. She has gotten everywhere she needed to be. :)

 

Let's be real for a minute...

This will be the last time I mention this. I just wanted to get it off my chest.

A few days ago, something I said, on Twitter, to another user, was the catalyst for a long running event of drama on there. I frankly think it was a long time coming, some of it. Because it finally broke down and made some cliques obvious. It divided a lot of people and it changed the way I will probably interact on Twitter. That SUCKS. I have been on Twitter for...7-8 years.

I said somethings incorrectly to someone, to this other user. That...I wasn't even able to back track and fix. Within just a few moments, I was receiving notifications for how rude it was to insinuate that my life and my situation are harder than the other user. Never said that and I didn't mean it that way. Before I knew it, the snowball effect had happened. I wasn't allowed to explain myself. Some people were calling for it, and I tried, but I got flustered. Before I knew it, the words "beloved" and "fragile" were being said about this user, as if I meant nothing. And my feelings meant nothing. My words meant nothing. . And you know what sucks? Some of these people, I have known for a long time. Some of these people have been there for me for some of the hardest times of my pregnancy and Avery's new born colicky stuff. My postpartum depression. I got a lot of advice and even baby clothes from some. I felt good interacting with them.

Many people say things and are forgiven quickly. I was not. I am not sure I was expecting to be, but I definitely didn't expect to me mocked in side conversations. GAH. That hurts the worst.

All I can say about what I did? What I said? I meant well. I stammed, I stuttered, I hurt someone's feelings on accident. I picture myself as Meredith, from The Family Stone. I didn't love her character. Sometimes she was a bitch. But sometimes she was TRYING to be nice. That's how I felt. I was TRYING.





It still is weird. How some people deserve to have posses. That some people who are sensitive are defended, are beloved. Are coddled with affirmations of how amazing they are. And others, like mysef, are told to grow thicker skin. To deal because it is Twitter.

But the Twitter I remember wasn't that way. I didn't come online and dread the replies if I complained about something or if I *GASP* had a different opinion or if I were trying to make a new mother feel lucky for what she is really fortunate to have, from MY perspective. Because I'm JEALOUS of what she has. What was really so wrong about saying I felt like she was really lucky?? From my worldview?? I never tried to say I had to worse, damn it. Not on purpose. SIGH.

I will never know, I guess, what was REALLY so unforgivable, so malicious, that it spiraled into one of the biggest Twitter feuds I have ever witnessed among my circle....

21 Day Fix - The Start!

I am doing something awfully brave. I'm about to share the starting pictures, weight, and measurements for the 21 Day Fix program I am beginning tomorrow. But before I do that...Let me explain why I'm doing that. I am trying to be accountable for myself here. I never did lose my last 10 pounds of baby weight. And I gained 3 more over the holidays. I am ready to get serious once more about my working out and eating right. Earlier this year, I was 8 pounds lighter. I only had 5 POUNDS left until pre-pregnancy weight. I had worked hard!!! Then I got lazy. I don't know why. There is certainly no excuse for it.  I slowly gain some weight back.

I am unhappy. My clothing is unhappy. I am tired all the time. Something has to change. The 21 Day Fix program is going to help guide me back into clean eating, correct portion sizes, as well as daily exercise. And each week, I will post pics and new stats. I am insanely excited, but nervous about sharing this. But I think this will encourage me to work harder, because I'm putting it ALL OUT THERE.