The difficulty with marriage and babies

Marriage and babies. They sometimes do not mix. Sometimes they mix great, sometimes, not so much. Dan I are have had our own issues as of late and have had them since I was first pregnant. I was constantly emotional from the beginning and Dan had no idea how to deal with this new roller coaster that was his wife. I cried over every single thing and he walked around like he was avoiding stepping on a land mine.

And it didn't get easier the further into pregnancy I got. The crying slowed some, but my nausea did not. Not much got done around the house and a lot was placed on Dan's shoulders. I expected a lot out of him. I was so sore and awkward and cleaning even the bathroom became such a struggle for me.

Then the baby arrived. And I was thrown back into an even worse emotional roller coaster. I was such a mess. The worst of them all. I was so leaky. And sore. And the crying. OH THE CRYING. Dan was once again placed with a lot of responsibility. And not once did I feel guilty about it. Looking back, I realize that I did not even appreciate him as much as I should have. I would only get angry if he didn't mean the impossible expectations I was setting for him.

I have never felt farther away from him emotionally at times.  It's so hard. Some moments, I feel so close to him. Other moments I feel so far. Thank goodness for Twitter and my friends there because I have come to realize I am most certainly not alone in this. So many couples struggle for awhile when a new baby comes.

It's not just the physical stuff that we are lacking in our marriage (although, hello, it's hard to be close to my husband in that way at times...I had a BABY and I feel fat, bloated and unsexy 99% of the time). It's the talking, the sharing. Once the baby goes down for naps or to bed, we are off trying to clean house, work on last minutes work-at-home stuff, and trying to have some much needed personal time. I'm off on one computer, watching TV or reading to unwind...And Dan is doing the same thing.

I am being told that it changes as the baby gets older. To give it a year. And this leaves me very hopeful that it will all get better eventually. I love my husband. And he loves me. And we're doing our best to stay afloat (we have take a couple of dates so far and I think we need many more of them!!!).

I look forward to Avery getting older and for us to start feeling married again. I look forward to miss Avery making our marriage stronger. We both have to give 100% to the cause. To everything.

What is some advice that you have for keeping it all together??

Sometimes I just can't deal...

Being a mom has been so incredibly exhausting for me. I thought dealing with a newborn was impossible. I was so tired all the time. My summer was full of crying, depression, and exhaustion. I was so looking forward to getting back to work. Then I got back to work. I didn't think life would be any easier. Just expected that it would be a fabulous break in my days. A chance to still do what I love. To talk with adults! To get a break from the baby!

Except by the time I went back to work, the baby was starting to become so much fun to be around! I started to miss her so badly. My work load is so much harder than I remembered from last year. The house is a cluttered disaster. I wish so badly that I could quit or at least go down to part time. Sadly this is not an option for us at all.  Thanks to some debt that we had gotten into before the baby had ever been a thought. :p Yay for student loans!

And I sat this past Saturday I sat among a circle of women at our church and listened to one woman after another talk about how she was a stay at home mom, and oh wasn't she just BLESSED to be able to do that. That she couldn't imagine doing anything else, etc etc.

This made me feel bad for two reasons. 1) I was pretty much the only career woman there and I felt so judged for liking a career. 2) At the same time I would love to be blessed with the opportunity and it isn't an option and BOO. It feels like crap.

I am torn and I can't deal with it at all. I never want to give up this job -- it would be dumb to. I have been giving an amazing career opportunity. School jobs are difficult to come by when it comes to therapy roles. But at the same time, I want so much to be at home watching Avery grow up.

But I know if I were at home full time, I'd probably be completely miserable. Well, maybe not completely so, but I may end up being bored. Dan is afraid that I would just shove Avery in his arms and make him take care of her for the rest of the night. Which is pretty much what I did when I was home all summer. I keep trying to tell him that it would be a lot different now that she is older.

I must remember that I really AM blessed, in a way. I work for a school system. Which allows me to have SUMMERS off. Even if I don't get to be with my little girl every single day?? I DO get to be with her every day of the summer. I can NOT wait until this summer. When she will be possibly toddling around all over the place. I can't wait to take her to the lake this year. It will definitely be a blast.

Sometimes I just can't deal...

Being a mom has been so incredibly exhausting for me. I thought dealing with a newborn was impossible. I was so tired all the time. My summer was full of crying, depression, and exhaustion. I was so looking forward to getting back to work. Then I got back to work. I didn't think life would be any easier. Just expected that it would be a fabulous break in my days. A chance to still do what I love. To talk with adults! To get a break from the baby!

Except by the time I went back to work, the baby was starting to become so much fun to be around! I started to miss her so badly. My work load is so much harder than I remembered from last year. The house is a cluttered disaster. I wish so badly that I could quit or at least go down to part time. Sadly this is not an option for us at all.  Thanks to some debt that we had gotten into before the baby had ever been a thought. :p Yay for student loans!

And I sat this past Saturday I sat among a circle of women at our church and listened to one woman after another talk about how she was a stay at home mom, and oh wasn't she just BLESSED to be able to do that. That she couldn't imagine doing anything else, etc etc.

This made me feel bad for two reasons. 1) I was pretty much the only career woman there and I felt so judged for liking a career. 2) At the same time I would love to be blessed with the opportunity and it isn't an option and BOO. It feels like crap.

I am torn and I can't deal with it at all. I never want to give up this job -- it would be dumb to. I have been giving an amazing career opportunity. School jobs are difficult to come by when it comes to therapy roles. But at the same time, I want so much to be at home watching Avery grow up.

But I know if I were at home full time, I'd probably be completely miserable. Well, maybe not completely so, but I may end up being bored. Dan is afraid that I would just shove Avery in his arms and make him take care of her for the rest of the night. Which is pretty much what I did when I was home all summer. I keep trying to tell him that it would be a lot different now that she is older.

I must remember that I really AM blessed, in a way. I work for a school system. Which allows me to have SUMMERS off. Even if I don't get to be with my little girl every single day?? I DO get to be with her every day of the summer. I can NOT wait until this summer. When she will be possibly toddling around all over the place. I can't wait to take her to the lake this year. It will definitely be a blast.

I'm doing ok...

In September, I talked about how breastfeeding wasn't for everyone. It's a tough path to walk. I am proud I got through the first three months of Avery's life being able to sustain her. I grew that little peanut inside me, then I got to feed her. What an amazing thing!!!

I felt great, for the most part, about transitioning her to formula. I did miss nursing. A lot. But by this time, she would no longer latch...she had taken to the bottle and wasn't going to settle for anything slower. 

I noticed almost right away that sunflower oil was a top ingredient in her formula. But, as my doc said, I wasn't the one who would be ingesting it. And the amount was probably small in there so even if I came in contact with it, it shouldn't hurt. (BUT! Did you know oils such as palm, safflower, coconut, sunflower etc are in there for the DHA and fatty acid benefits so it's NOT that small of an amount). At any rate, I left it at that and disregarded the issue. 

But as time went on, I was feeling more and more tired. Exhausted. Nauseated regularly. Stomach upset. Just blah. Had to take a a day or two off work. I wasn't feeling better ever. It was a rough start to the new school year. 

At one point, I had a thought.....what if it's her formula bothering me. At first, my doc kind of shunned this. No way was her formula causing this. But I was convinced, call it intuition, that it was making me sick. 

Now, at this point, I had all but weaned. I was pumping an once every other day. Sometimes I would get two onces. I was pumping less and less. I started doing research on re-lactation. Before I knew it, I was renting a hospital grade pump and taking supplements. And doing a lot of crying. I didn't know what to do in the meantime to feed Avery. We ended up finding out that similac was ok, but then she wouldn't really take it without a fight. I was so stressed and was barely pumping a half an ounce a day. 

The Bronson Milk bank stepped in to help. Avery was born at Bronson Hospital so they were more than willing. They generously gave, and continued to give, donor milk to us, no cost. This has been a great blessing to us. And best of all, within a few days of stopping that formula, I started to feel back to normal again. Some say maybe I felt bad because I was weaning but my doc wasn't convinced that was it. I know deep down that it was from contacting the formula.

Even if it was already prepared, which is mostly was, because Dan would mix up a batch for the day....I would still touch it. Either from a leaking bottle or Avery's leaky mouth. :) Or her spit up. All of it seems trivial. But I can't even come in contact with lotion that has sunflower oil in it. Or a body spray. Nothing. Luckily I don't go into anaphylactic shock. But my doc has often talked to me about keeping an epi-pen on hand because you never know when the body will turn on you. 

My re-lactation efforts are going slowly but surely. I am getting between half an ounce and an ounce more each day to the total. Yesterday, I hit 7oz. In one day. I have something called domperidone to thank for that. To the Twitter friends and a lactation consultant who told me about it?? Thank you. I will write another post on that another time, I'm sure. But if you landed here because you aren't sure the stuff works? It so does. 

They say it can take a month for re-lactation to really WORK. So I hope that at the end of this month, I will be pumping at least half to 75% of Avery's needs. And while this isn't the path I originally wanted to take?? I'm ok with this. Really. 

Processing Death and Dying...

Sorry, this entry is on the morbid side...I just had to get it off my chest. COULD BE TRIGGERING.

If you know me well enough, you know that I just don't do death. I don't think I'm afraid of it, it's just something that makes me queasy to be around. Insanely uncomfortable. Dan's grandmother passed away about a week ago and I was greatly relieved to hear that she would be cremated and there would be no viewing.

I don't do viewings. I just don't. I stay as far away from them as possible. You see, when I have, in the past, viewed someone dead in a coffin, it erases my picture of that person in my mind. I see them as dead in my memories. You will find me at most funerals, away across the room or hanging out in a totally different room to begin with.

So, I thought that going forward, I'd be ok, that I wouldn't have someone else pictured in my head when I thought back fondly on Iva Jean. Instead, this is not what happened.

Dan's uncle showed me a pic he got of her on his cell phone, just a few days before she had passed. Someone had done her hair very nicely, and that's what he was trying to show me. But that's not what I saw. I saw a dying woman. Gaunt, bony, and probably no more than 80 pounds. My heart and stomach dropped almost instantaneously. I mumbled to my mother in law that I was glad there was no viewing, can't deal with viewings. She said "I know." I'm a little cranky I wasn't really warned how bad she really looked before I said ok to seeing the picture.

I know that people need closure sometimes by being able to see a body. But I'm ok with not.

- - -

Her funeral was this past Thursday. Such a lovely funeral. For a very lovely woman. Rest in peace, Iva Jean....

Breaking: Nursing isn't for everyone.

I had high hopes for breastfeeding. Before Avery was born, I was a little intimidated by it but was sure we would get through any early hiccups and be fine. 

And we did have a few hiccups. We had to introduce a bottle earlier than anticipated thanks to a bad latch damaging me. Ouch. But we got through it. Without nipple confusion. We were fortunate to be able to feed her both from the bottle and from the breast.

But I didn't like nursing. It stressed me out to no end. She would latch fine one moment then struggle the next. She didn't like one side as much as the other and would cry and scream when I had the audacity to offer it. One side had a faster flow that at first nearly choked her at every feeding. I felt like I could never be detached from this baby. And the hormones associated with letdown and a feeding, cause me significant anxiety -- nausea and hot flashes, as well as mini panic  attacks would happen.

The low point of that phenomenon? We were at my inlaws for the weekend and in the middle of a nightly feeding I had to unlatch her and pass we to Dan. The anxiety attack was fierce. Heart racing, nausea, hot flashes. I had to go and sit on the cool bathroom floor. Avery was screaming in the background while Dan tried to calm her. I finally was able to get her and bring her into the bathroom with me. I felt so much like throwing up. 

This happened a few times a week. I didn't always have Dan there to take her from me when it happened. And this was a huge factor in my post partum depression struggle. The anxiety of breast feeding.

My thoughts at any given moment: 

Am I making the right amount? Ok I had a glass of wine, do I need to pump and dump? How many oz should I pump in addition to feedings? Will I ever freeze enough? How will I ever lug around my pump during the school year? This mothers milk tea is horrible! GUILT GUILT GUILT.

Needless to say, while not an easy decision to make, I am extremely glad we started weaning her from me. We are essentially all weaned from breast feeding. Which makes me sad. :( but once we started to transition her to the pumped milk and formula, she took to the bottle and no longer wanted to eat from me. I'm really ok with this. Finally.

And I finally feel better. Less anxious. Less depressed. I pump morning and night so that she continues to get nutrients from me but that generally only gets her 8-10oz from me a day. So we are on a gentle formula as well to supplement. 

All feels right in the world and I'm so glad I just....went with the flow on this. I had some guilt and was worried what people would think. But how? Let them think what they want. It didn't work for me like I had hoped....and I don't ever regret nursing. 

Titles are useless when I babble...

I lay down at night before falling asleep and my mind races a mile a minute. So many things happening. So many blog posts written about family, my marriage and about my baby girl. It annoys me to no end that I can't remember them when I awake the next day. I am too freaking tired at night to grab my phone and type out a quick entry.

Which is what I'm trying to do right now. I'm laying here, in the dark. With my iPhone and the Blogger app. I need blogging. I definitely don't have the energy to keep a physical journal. It's just one more thing to keep from losing in the house....which is slowly becoming more of Avery's house than ours. So much baby stuff!!

I have vowed to make a lot of changes around here. Around the house and around my life. It's going to mean for a lot less personal time and space. But I've been so tired of the way the house ha slowly cluttered up after Avery arrived. Dan and I had slowly started to minimalist our lives.

I may soon take a personal day off work because seriously. I need it. And my house needs it....

Need direction for cleaning?

One of the things I have continued to struggle with while home this summer? Is cleaning. Getting on a cleaning schedule, to be specific. Dan and I BOTH have. Do you know how much attention a newborn needs? We have been going crazy with the messiness that has been taking over our home. Especially when the newborn decides that she doesn't feel like napping anywhere but in our arms. And suddenly gets bored very easily -- but she has no hobbies yet so it's hard to keep her attention. There has been a lot of putting her in her swing, and back down to her play mat, then into the rock and play, then bouncy seat. Then she decides she's bored with her bouncy seat. So that has made its way into the basement.

Regardless, I still have very little room in my schedule to clean. I can maybe get 15 minutes away from her at any given moment. Sometimes I get in a shower. Sometimes I get in a meal. And I need to make time for cleaning.

I surfed pinterest not long ago to find a list to help me stay on track. And I found an awesome one.

You must check out this very simple, very easy cleaning routine! You can download the PDF, print it, then place in a nice plastic page protector so we can use whiteboard markers. Love it.  It's SO SIMPLE, and finally I feel sane again. Rather than trying to look around the house and feel mortified and overwhelmed on where to start, I have this nice little list! Now lets see if its as easy for Dan, too. 

PS: No one told me sing the praises of this list. I just ran into it and I love it. 

Summer has slipped on by...

Please, can someone tell me how it is now August?! This summer has flown by entirely too quickly. In just a few weeks, we are back to school and I am back to work...and my baby is off to daycare full time. This. Sucks. I had plenty to accomplish this summer. I was going to get a ton of continuing education done!! I was going to workout a ton once I got the ok to do so. I was going to lose nearly every single pound of baby weight like it was my job!!!

BWAH HA HA HA!!!!

Done laughing now. I've lost 20-25lbs of my 38lbs gained and I only got one CE course, of 5, completed. I was a Weight Watchers failure (felt like I was starving, not a good feeling during breastfeeding -- what a waste of money) and just started back onto MyFitnessPal. I did NOT work out like it was my job. I've taken it easy. Walks, a little yoga, and just started the 30 Day Shred last night (with plans on doing it every OTHER day, so I can fit in my Couch 2 5 K training (that I will start eventually).

Right now, I'm trying to make a decision on whether or not to continue breastfeeding once school starts back up. I know, formula isn't cheap. But I'm not sure. With traveling from school to school, the stress of making sure I am pumping enough?? Is already giving me hives, yo. I think 3 months of exclusively breastfeeding (by the time I go back to work), is pretty darn good. I should be thrilled to make it that far. I'm not even sure I feel guilty about it. Because I don't. I haven't made the decision or talked it over with Dan just yet, but those are my feelings. I shared these feelings in Twitter this evening and got a lot of great input. Here's a sampling....I got a lot of the same so I only posted a few.

@mattieflap: you have to do what works for you and your family. Fuck the judgement of others.

@tehamy: This shouldn’t be controversial. Do what is best for you and your family.

@math_tart: you need to do whatever works for you & for Avery :) Don't let anyone else try to persuade you one way or the other!!!

So that's that. We shall see....

- - -

I have been trying to keep up with Avery's baby book! I decided on a project life book. Very happy with the results so far. I'm going to do a blog post on it soon, but I wanted to share a few of the pictures!













I'm only sharing the pics right now, but will get into more detail later. What I need to tackle next? Sending birth announcements and finish thank you cards. WHOOPS. I hate filling out addresses and cards, so I'm dragging my feet on it, but that's my major goal to complete before going back to work. Must make it happen.

That's all for now. I promise that soon I will be back on the blogging track. I say that a lot but I mean it this time!!

Coming out of the fog...

Avery will be six weeks old on Friday. CRAZY, right!? I have been lost in some weird, sleepless time warp for most of it. Am finally crawling out of the haze and remembered I have a blog to get back to. My blog posts would have ended up being the same whine over and over again so I chose to just not post during this time. Oh, and I always had a baby in my arms so that kept me from typing. There's that. 

The first couple of weeks with Avery were a breeze. I mean, we were tired, but she was low maintenance. Eat. Sleep. Poop. That's it. She had small moments of being awake but her personality seemed to be headed toward low key like Dan. Right around 2-3 weeks, it started it change.  

It started off with witching hours. Fussy times every other day or so in the evenings. It then tail spinned into fill blown colicky behaviors. Behaviors that we are still battling fiercely. We have good days. We also have bad days. It's rough. There is screaming. Crying. Lost sleep. Then there are the things the baby is doing. HA. 

There have been days....many of them....that I didn't feel like I was cut out to be a mom. Those were the hardest of all. I wanted this baby.  So why did I suddenly...not? I have dealt with a touch of postpartum depression. I hate admitting that, but it's real. The baby blues have lasted longer for me than they really should. Some days, the fog was so thick. The days dragged by so slowly. I had to have Dan rush home because both Avery and I were crying so hard. Nothing felt right in those moments. I have to shove her off to Dan so I can take a walk or a drive. 

Sadly, I had a bad day in front of my inlaw's recently, and it all went bad. It was a bad day full of Avery crying non-stop. I snapped and I got accused of over-reacting and having a bad attitude. I left and took an hour long drive. And I didn't want to go back. Dan had to tell them my secret. They witnessed what should have been a private moment, not understanding what this colic is doing to me on a mental capacity. His mom sat there defending Dan....said she would always be on his side. Just. WOW. Dan told her he needed for them to be on OUR side.

That was the worst moment so far of my PPD. I hope the experiences I have going forward aren't nearly as crummy.

And because this post got a little depressing...you deserve a cute baby:

Avery’s Birth Timeline: A Doula’s Perspective

My doula wrote up our timeline for us and I am soooo grateful to have this! I will have notes in italics of my thoughts at each of the noted moments. There's no way I would have remembered things without this timeline. The day went incredibly fast to me! 

I added a jump/cut to click through for reading. Nothing graphic is in any of the timeline, really, but it's a LONG post with a lot of details and a few are "eh". 

Avery arrives...

Story to follow!!'

You'll just have to wait...

I know this is going to hit my Facebook newsfeed and that's ok. I'm not sure how to say it in a status or in a message to friends and family, but here goes....

Dan and I have been doing a lot of thinking and talking over the last few months about how we want the birth of our first (and possibly only) child to go down. We have come up with a fantastic birth plan that we are both comfortable with and after discussing it with the doula, we all have this plan in mind as we go into this crazy adventure. Some people may think a birth plan is awfully high maintenance...but frankly, we're going to be flexible on it and not psychotic about it, so relax. It just hits some major points in regards to pain meds (I'm not sure how I feel about pain meds, but we want to try going at it without them -- we've asked, for instance, that they not ask me if I want them...That they wait for ME to ask for them). And then the other details such as when we want the cord cut (not until after it has completely stopped pulsing) and that Dan will be cutting it. We are also asking for them to wait to clean up and assess baby girl so that she and I can have skin to skin time immediately afterward.

Stuff like that.

But we also went ahead and wrote a blurb in the bit about "after labor" about visitors. YES, we did.

Look, I have heard plenty of horror stories about people walking into a delivery room right after someone gives birth, because the person is even done being cleaned, or stitched up and totally taking over the baby. Not giving them a little privacy. Or discretion. Or that ever important bonding time.

Believe me, we WANT visitors. But we're going to be asking for 6-12 hours (depending on the time of day the baby is born)...where Dan and I can both rest. Where I can start getting used to that ever important latch on with baby girl. A little time where, after I get a little sleep maybe, I can SHOWER before people show up.

We will be waiting to post on Facebook as to when she arrives. And we'll be asking at that time to wait until we say we're READY for visitors before they are allowed to come. I know, I'm a jerk. :)

The only person who will be allowed around (though I'm not sure I want in the delivery room -- and she knows that, lol), is my mom. :) I think it depends on when she arrives during the whole process. I said to Dan and the doula the other day that I didn't want her in there during pushing, but maybe at the time I will? Who knows. But seriously, she's the only one allowed.

At any rate, we're just trying to do a little bit of crowd control. We know that everyone is eager to meet our little gal, but we also don't want to feel completely overwhelmed by visitors.

We would ESPECIALLY love if people came after we got home -- you know, with food. :) (Don't forget I have an allergy to sunflower oil! And Dan is in the middle of the process for being diagnosed with diabetes so NO super sugary things for him).

Ok, got that off my chest now!  Moving along...

38 weeks and still waiting

I forgot to post the update from my visit last week! So before I get into week 38, last week's stats at the midwife visit:

Dilation: 1cm
Effacement: 30%
Station: -2

and this week:

Dilation: 1cm (BOO HISS)
Effacement: 50% (WOOT)
Station: -1

We are making progress!!!  I am so excited. Effacement means a little more than dilation, according to my midwife. If I dilated and didn't efface, it wouldn't mean a darn thing (in my midwife's opinion).  Baby can't get out if things don't thin out.

I'm insanely tired and we are about to break out some magic tricks in order to get this baby out. I am uncomfortable.  We've already tried a few tricks and I think it's helped. I had hoped to get in walking...but it's raining this morning.

- - -

I am having a crap morning, besides the fact that is raining.  I have a very nice set up for paying bills. Reminders in my calendar etc. The only things I don't seen to have listed are the water and trash bills (it's hard to figure out what month those come -- every 2-3 months they arrive and I pay them right away). BUT GUESS WHO FORGOT TO PAY THE WATER BILL.

Oh, that would be me. I kept thinking, almost on a daily basis, that I had seen the bill come in and I needed to pay it. We recently got an ominous notice and I was like, ok, will pay this. I have a week til the due date. It's paid online. A fast little thing!

Brushing my teeth this morning...My water suddenly disappeared. OH @)#$*@#$()@*#)$.

I call and it's a $10 fee to turn it back on. No biggie. Then she tells me that since we didn't have to pay a deposit when it was turned on originally, they want one now. Pregnant me sobs when asking how much. And she waves that (though if I ever make this dumb mistake again it will have to be paid), because we have NEVER been late. Ever. I pulled out the pathetic "I'm 9 months pregnant" line while sobbing and she genuinely felt bad for me for forgetting.

I have never felt so pathetic.

Dan just laughed it off as no big deal, but I can't seem to stop kicking myself in the butt.

- - -

My morning was eventually made because I went and bought a new neti pot (couldn't find my old one) and I discovered raspberry poptarts (OMG my new favorite).  My standards have most certainly changed...

The waiting game starts.

I hit 37 weeks pregnant yesterday.  And from here on out, I know that I could give birth at any time. My guess is that it will be sooner than later. Because I have a feeling this baby girl is more stubborn than her mama. Even if she takes after Dan, who is laid back, she will still be late. BECAUSE of being laid back.  At the same time, I still have hope that she will be a good girl and show up a little early. A little bit of hope....

I have, since the beginning of April, been experiencing some cramps off and on. Including some crappy ones this weekend and today.  As of our doc visit on Thursday, there was nothing happening, however, in the dilation department. So I feel like all of these cramps are in VAIN.  At the same time, I'm wondering if they are only there because she has dropped? Who knows. I just know I'm starting to get anxious and ready.

Today, the cramps were worse than yesterday when I woke up. Even with a heating pad, there was no making it feel better. I started feeling dizzy and nauseated. Took a Tylenol, which helped everything overall but have felt so fatigued. At about 3pm, the cramps returned. When Dan got home from work, we went for a walk. The longest walk I've been able to take in awhile. Maybe only .5 - .75 miles. Not long, but I definitely was NOT huffing and puffing any more.

I still feel fatigued. Crampy. But nothing is getting WORSE and there are no discernable waves that start getting worse. In fact, I only notice when it's already WORSE then it goes away. No other signs and symptoms of labor either. I haven't bothered calling the doctor...I did before because it was PRIOR to 37 weeks.

I just sit. And wait. And wait.

We have a midwife appointment tomorrow and hopefully she's made a little progress toward her escape.

A beautiful pregnant woman? Me?

Grr. Blogger is still refusing to import my Wordpress posts. There are like, what, 6?? Maybe?? I barely posted a thing from January through now. Whatever.  My posts are now gone from the internet and only contained in an XML file because I dropped my self-hosted Wordpress over a week ago. No worries. Moving on...

- - -

Last weekend, my fabulous friend Rachael, who is also a fabulous photographer (and I mean, FABULOUS), came into town to take our maternity pictures.  Not everyone does maternity pictures. Some people don't feel they are necessary, some people do. My mother in law actually thought it was a strange concept. But I wanted amazing pictures to capture this time in our lives. We may not have any more than one child, so every moment I want to cherish. Not all moments have been cherishable, as you well know, in my opinion. Pregnancy has not been my most favorite thing on earth. So if a picture can capture for me....the beauty of it all...I want to have that picture.

And Rachael did an amazing job. I seriously was in tears (happy ones!) over these pictures. For the first time during my entire pregnancy, I felt beautiful. During the session...and especially AFTER when I saw the pictures.

I am so excited...I'm so happy to have this captured. And while I still don't love being pregnant...I finally appreciate the beauty of it.

I can't quit blogging it seems....

I attempted to go back to a self-hosted Wordpress site about 6 months ago...but I didn't even write anything really until January. And I find myself back at Blogger. TRYING the hardest I can to import the, what, 6 blog posts since January, but Blogger is being a butt head tonight. Not surprised. The world must be telling me that blogging is something I should give up for good.

And I keep thinking that I should. That I'm going to just go ahead and let go of it, but who am I kidding... The moment I decide FINALLY that I'm going to go ahead and let it go? I can't hit that delete button to get rid of everything.

Besides, I'm 36 weeks pregnant and my baby could potentially arrive at any point from here until my due date (or after if she wants to be a big fat pain in my rear end -- GET OUT OF THERE, GIRL!)...and I am probably going to want an outlet for whining and crying this summer as I adjust to my new life as a mom.

So...I can't delete blogging from my life entirely. Just like I could never get rid of Twitter. Or Facebook.  I love those things waaaaay too much....