Not going to give up this time....

The most difficult thing for me since Avery came along...? My body image. I know, I know. This is where I should be spouting off how happy I am to have this AMAZING body that grew a human being, dammit. And believe me...I am. But for those who have known me online for a long time, I once struggled with an eating disorder (sort of, it was mostly anxiety induced). Not so much online, but I have talked about it. 

When I was 21 years old, I weighed in at an unhealthy (for my height) 103 lbs. In my mid twenties, I was at around 125-130, had a year or two of creeping up into the high 140s. 

I now weigh in at 154. Before I was pregnant, I was 142. And before my hip injury, I was a happy 135-138. That's a lot of numbers. What I have learned about every single number is that I didn't like any of them at the time. I always still thought I was too heavy. Too far. At 135, however, that's where I felt like I looked the healthiest even if I didn't love the number. At that time I was fit. I could run without much issue (though I didn't love it). I had time to work out and enjoy it. 

I recently had a meltdown because no matter how careful I have been as far as food intake, I am still stuck. If history has taught me anything, I have also realized that I'm just maintaining my weight. And the only thing I need to do is reinvigorate my love for exercise. More than 2-3 times a week of moderate level workouts. I need at least 2-3 days of cardio other than walking, and 2-3 of strength training.

I have been sitting on this plan for a couple of weeks now. Sitting. Waiting to start it. But the motivation is lacking. I don't understand why seeing as though I'm miserable in the current state of my body. I feel so awkward. No wait. Let me say it differently. In my brain, I feel like I'm just as thin as I always was. Then I look in the mirror and am shocked that my body isn't what I thought it was. I just....struggle to find time to work out. I can barely find time to clean, work full time, take care of Avery, maintain a sane marriage and make sure I have time for me. I guess from here on out, me time is now exercise OR relaxation time. I can't have both (unless it's yoga then sure!!).

Oh you guys, I don't want you to comment that I look great right now. Mostly because I'm not looking for compliments....shoot, I just went off in twitter yesterday over people who do that and are sooooo blatantly doing that.

I just needed to get this out there. Because I need to be accountable. Because I need to start this. And because I need a break from my scale while I start this journey. I needed to vent my frustrations in more than 140 twitter characters.

There is one thing that can ruin this journey and that is a scale. Because if I don't see numbers change as fast as I think they should, forget it. I give up. 

I don't want to give up this time. No way.

Avery turned 1!!

Well, about two months ago, she turned one. This is not a recent thing. Ha. Anyway.... May 31. She turned one and I just can't fathom it, you guys. Not for one single second. I scoffed at all the old ladies who reminded me time and time again that I needed to cherish all the time we had. They were not kidding. It takes all of me to not shout out to current ladies I know that are pregnant or with newborns "OMG IT GOES SO FAST!!" Because it is cliche -- but oh so true.

Anyway, you all have seen most of these photos already but I can't help but post them. In case we aren't Facebook or Instagram friends, I suppose. Also, she is just the cutest thing ever. Just saying.We had the best time. She wasn't sure at first about being the center of attention, but it didn't take her long to eat it all up. And she wasn't sure about the cupcake. I had to stick some in her mouth and break it up a bit fore her, then she was all about it.

I feel like now, things have been happening very fast. Just about 2.5 weeks after her first birthday, she finally began army crawling, then full speed crawling on the same exact day.  Then about a month after that, she began pulling herself up to stand. I am waiting VERY patiently....for her to start walking. I'm not ready for that just yet. She has yet to completely figure out cruising and I am very ok with that. 

Here's to another wonderful year, miss A!