Not going to give up this time....

The most difficult thing for me since Avery came along...? My body image. I know, I know. This is where I should be spouting off how happy I am to have this AMAZING body that grew a human being, dammit. And believe me...I am. But for those who have known me online for a long time, I once struggled with an eating disorder (sort of, it was mostly anxiety induced). Not so much online, but I have talked about it. 

When I was 21 years old, I weighed in at an unhealthy (for my height) 103 lbs. In my mid twenties, I was at around 125-130, had a year or two of creeping up into the high 140s. 

I now weigh in at 154. Before I was pregnant, I was 142. And before my hip injury, I was a happy 135-138. That's a lot of numbers. What I have learned about every single number is that I didn't like any of them at the time. I always still thought I was too heavy. Too far. At 135, however, that's where I felt like I looked the healthiest even if I didn't love the number. At that time I was fit. I could run without much issue (though I didn't love it). I had time to work out and enjoy it. 

I recently had a meltdown because no matter how careful I have been as far as food intake, I am still stuck. If history has taught me anything, I have also realized that I'm just maintaining my weight. And the only thing I need to do is reinvigorate my love for exercise. More than 2-3 times a week of moderate level workouts. I need at least 2-3 days of cardio other than walking, and 2-3 of strength training.

I have been sitting on this plan for a couple of weeks now. Sitting. Waiting to start it. But the motivation is lacking. I don't understand why seeing as though I'm miserable in the current state of my body. I feel so awkward. No wait. Let me say it differently. In my brain, I feel like I'm just as thin as I always was. Then I look in the mirror and am shocked that my body isn't what I thought it was. I just....struggle to find time to work out. I can barely find time to clean, work full time, take care of Avery, maintain a sane marriage and make sure I have time for me. I guess from here on out, me time is now exercise OR relaxation time. I can't have both (unless it's yoga then sure!!).

Oh you guys, I don't want you to comment that I look great right now. Mostly because I'm not looking for compliments....shoot, I just went off in twitter yesterday over people who do that and are sooooo blatantly doing that.

I just needed to get this out there. Because I need to be accountable. Because I need to start this. And because I need a break from my scale while I start this journey. I needed to vent my frustrations in more than 140 twitter characters.

There is one thing that can ruin this journey and that is a scale. Because if I don't see numbers change as fast as I think they should, forget it. I give up. 

I don't want to give up this time. No way.