She'll be fine. I hope.

Look, I get it. I worry too much. I overthink way too often. But it's just who I am.  My current overthinking is all about Avery. As usual.  For the last couple of months, I have been lamenting on her current inability to crawl. But thinking and looking back at things, I should have really been lamenting on other things in regards to her gross motor abilities. She is so cautious. I don't understand why. I don't understand why she she is so stiff, why she prefers extension over flexion. I don't understand why she is so uncomfortable with weight shifting. Why she isn't trying to right herself. I don't understand why.

As an occupational therapist? This makes me feel like a partial failure. Because there are a number of different things she is behind on that I could have been working on. And now I feel like I'm too late to personally try anything.  I feel horrible that I have to send her to day care full time and I can't keep her home to work on these things. I contemplate asking daycare to try a few things here and there, but I can't know if these things are going to be done correctly.  I also feel at a loss and maybe I'm not doing these things correctly. Because when I try things with her, she freaks out.  Maybe I'm too stressed and not comfortable enough to handle this on my own.

I know it is not the end of the world to get referred to Early Intervention or a private PT. So many kiddos are and they turn out just fine. It doesn't mean that this is the start of a long road of needed services. And even if it does, I will figure it all out.  But this is really hard, you guys. It's hard.

It's so hard to see other people's YOUNGER kids doing things Avery hasn't even begun to attempt.  It breaks my freaking heart, you guys.  Seeing so many pictures on social media. Seeing the other babies that were born around the same time as Avery in our church.  Everywhere I go people are asking me if she's getting around and getting into trouble. I say no, and they all look at me  knowingly and tell me that she must just be lazy or she'll get there in no time! Before I know it she'll be all over the place. I'd like for that to be true, but the more I analyze it, the more behind I realize she is. The movements she should have been able to do 3-4 months ago, for instance.

I don't want to get into all the technical talk.  Just know I'm struggling so very much right now. Please think of me and Avery (and Dan, too. Though, frankly, I don't think they same weight is felt by him. He probably has the better attitude of us both. That she'll be fine. And she will be....But I need her fine sooner rather than later.)