Except by the time I went back to work, the baby was starting to become so much fun to be around! I started to miss her so badly. My work load is so much harder than I remembered from last year. The house is a cluttered disaster. I wish so badly that I could quit or at least go down to part time. Sadly this is not an option for us at all. Thanks to some debt that we had gotten into before the baby had ever been a thought. :p Yay for student loans!
And I sat this past Saturday I sat among a circle of women at our church and listened to one woman after another talk about how she was a stay at home mom, and oh wasn't she just BLESSED to be able to do that. That she couldn't imagine doing anything else, etc etc.
This made me feel bad for two reasons. 1) I was pretty much the only career woman there and I felt so judged for liking a career. 2) At the same time I would love to be blessed with the opportunity and it isn't an option and BOO. It feels like crap.
I am torn and I can't deal with it at all. I never want to give up this job -- it would be dumb to. I have been giving an amazing career opportunity. School jobs are difficult to come by when it comes to therapy roles. But at the same time, I want so much to be at home watching Avery grow up.
But I know if I were at home full time, I'd probably be completely miserable. Well, maybe not completely so, but I may end up being bored. Dan is afraid that I would just shove Avery in his arms and make him take care of her for the rest of the night. Which is pretty much what I did when I was home all summer. I keep trying to tell him that it would be a lot different now that she is older.
I must remember that I really AM blessed, in a way. I work for a school system. Which allows me to have SUMMERS off. Even if I don't get to be with my little girl every single day?? I DO get to be with her every day of the summer. I can NOT wait until this summer. When she will be possibly toddling around all over the place. I can't wait to take her to the lake this year. It will definitely be a blast.
I know what you are feeling all too well. When my first two were babies I was a full time high school teacher. I hated leaving them everyday. I tried for 3 years to get part time and envisioned it as the best of both worlds and fantasized about it. My school wouldn't let it happen and I was devastated. We had to move out of state to make me staying home become even possible. It was a huge sacrifice and made it tougher on me in so many ways when I struggled with being home. I missed teaching a lot. Now we have 4 kids, have moved back to our original state, and I can't get a teaching job if I wanted it. Plus it doesn't make sense because childcare costs would negate my salary. I guess what I'm trying to say is it never is a "dream scenario" for most people. There is always a lot of grass being greener with whatever you're not doing. Best thing you can do is try and find happiness/peace with your situation. I'm trying to do this everyday. Some days I succeed and others not as much.
ReplyDeleteYou have to do what is best for you and your family, the rest of the world be damned. Make what you can of the time you get with her (I would say make the most of it but that treads far too close to "cherish every moment" and you just can't. Some moments just suck). It helps me to remember sometimes that other people have it worse than me - just for the quick reality check I need when I'm struggling. I struggle often.
ReplyDelete