When anxiety ruins a lot...(UPDATED)

Update: Nothing major, just that I got a short reply. Something along the lines of having a deeper understanding, that we all have issues, including her. But she refuses to share those... Er. Ok. I also was advised to seek professional help. Sigh....A lot of the email I talked about my worst case scenarios. What things were like for me before I realized it was just anxiety bugging me. I talked with her about family instances of similar conditions. What's frustrating is a lot of people automatically say that. GET HELP. Er...I've dealt with this for 10 years and have a number of times during the super rough portions of my life. I point blank said I was pissed that I poured out my heart and soul and got a cold reply. That I'm also shutting the door on sharing anything beyond what I already said. There's no reason to hash this out on the phone. 


The other thing that pissed me off is that she said my email was full of "facts" that were in fact...not "facts". I'm not entirely certain what THAT was supposed to mean, seeing as most of that email was full of my feelings and my perceptions. I'm done trying to figure out what it means. I will never be fully understood and I'm ok with that.

- - -

This weekend was supposed to be awesome. I went out to visit my sister-in-law, her husband and her two sons. Both of whom I love fiercely. The drive kind of sucked, as it was a 5 hour one each way, but it was a gorgeous drive. I got in on Friday night, we played pool, drank a few cocktails, hit the hay.

Saturday? Was awesome. Got up, had an amazing breakfast of pancakes with chocolate chips and strawberries. YUM. Played outside with the boys some, spent some time to myself finishing up the last Hunger Games book for the second time, just enjoyed life. I had a sucky panic attack late that night that put a damper on things and I had to sleep in a little on Sunday to catch up. No big deal. Granted, my SIL had popped out at one point because she must have heard me go downstairs to the couch. She asked me how I was and if I was ok? I answered, she went back to bed. No big deal.

I left around noon, made my way back home, felt anxious and off, but woke up Monday morning refreshed and happy for a mostly relaxing weekend.

Then Monday, shortly before lunch, I received a rather random phone call and message from my sister-in-law. The message is not very clear in my head, seeing as how it made me feel like I had been slapped in the face. Something along the lines of always causing a lot of drama, and if I want to come see them, there needs to be some general guidelines, some ground rules. Er...I'm 30 years old, nearly, and frankly, if there was something bothering her? This wasn't the right way to go about it. Leaving a voicemail saying we needed to talk is one thing, but to be completely rude by voicemail? NOT the way to do it. I felt like an idiot. I'm in the middle of our office at work. Just....feeling completely floored.

I bawled to Dan...He later talked to his sister. Who couldn't even give examples of this so-called "drama" that I seemed to bring along with me. This was the only time I've had an anxiety attack in her midst, at least that she would have been aware of.  She mentioned that it bothered her that I would say things like "can't eat this, can't eat that." EM. EFF. I have a food allergy. What am I supposed to do?? EAT IT?? Suck it up and deal with the side effects from it??? UM. NO.  The only other things that I can possibly think that were "wrong" with me on my two recent visits? Were that I had been stressed out of my gourd -- I was there at the end of February for an interview, and then the week after when I was moving out here and had arrived after driving two days. I WAS FREAKING EXHAUSTED.  The first time I visited them at this house almost 3 years ago? I got altitude sickness because I didn't drink enough water and did a lot of physical activity the first couple of days. Maybe that was too dramatic for her, too. She's allowed to cough and sniffle up a storm, but heaven forbid I not feel up to snuff in 8000 FT conditions. That hasn't happened since. Sheesh....

The only other possible thing I can think of is that she was maybe offended that when I was there, I buried myself in a book. What was I supposed to do?? They were outside doing yard work, my allergies were bugging me,  I suck at social interaction with kids 75% of the time and had worn my brain out from baseball that morning with them. I had had a long week. Who cares that I took a little time to sit in the sun and read???  It's what I do! I like social interaction, but I like me time as well. Is that a rule when I visit them?? That I have to spend every last moment of my spare time with them??

Dan explained some things to her about my anxiety and about my panic attacks. I had texted her a shorter version. And last night received the reply along the lines of "I empathize with you, but I still stand on my decision."  She wants to talk to me by phone, but probably only to nail that last nail in the coffin to make me feel like crap.

What does she think shes going to do? Keep me from having an anxiety attack? Granted, they don't happen a ton these days, but if I'm there trying not to have one, that's the guaranteed way to make it happen.  She's ridiculously anal, and I'm pretty afraid that I'm not going to be welcome there again until I can guarantee normal human SUPER SOCIAL behavior.

I ended up writing her a VERY long email last night. Which I'm more than certain will be received with eye rolls about how dramatic I am. It sucks that I had to write her this email. Explaining my side effects to the food I'm allergic to (oh, yeah, I definitely added diarrhea to that list, heh), what I feel when having panic attacks, my history of them, and...oh, yeah, right, my last pap results. Seriously. That's what it felt like I was giving her. I point blank told her that I did not feel that I needed to defend myself. That drama in my world?? Is having a family member commit or threaten to commit suicide.  Just as an example.

And I basically told her to shove it when it came to the term "empathize." I do NOT do empathy. My example to her?? I used to work in human resources. You empathize with that employee you're in the middle of laying off. You're don't empathize with family.

I KNOW that one of her concerns is that their oldest, who is almost 4, asked what was wrong when I didn't come to church. I don't know what would have been wrong with her telling him that I didn't feel well, or that I didn't sleep well.  I was fine later that morning when they got back. Sure I looked tired out, but I was fine.

I don't swear in front  of those kids. I don't drink to excess in front of those kids. I don't smoke, I don't have a drug addiction. I just have a social and generalized anxiety disorder that affects my life. I can't change that. No matter how much better I get, it's always there hanging out like a cloud over my head.  It pops up when I'm stressed or relaxed. It comes out whenever it darn well pleases. While I have better control over it than I used to, it still happens.

Today was very hard for me. And I felt depression creeping in on me. I just can't take the rejection of a family member. I've written off people in the past for their treatment of me over this. It's easier to write off people you barely know than try to change yourself for them. But when someone in your family gets nasty about it? What can you do? Dan can only say so much, because he's afraid of losing his relationship with her. He's always been close with her. I also don't want him to say too much because I don't want to look like someone who is even weaker than she thought. That I needed rescuing. I just haven't had this sort of rejection over my anxiety in MANY years. Most everyone in my life, including Dan's parents "get it" even if they don't understand it. But they don't tell me that I'm too dramatic and that I need to shape up before I come to family functions. WTF.

I told her to not call me in my long email, as she had planned to call early next week. That I needed time to process. Mostly, I need time to forgive her. I'm not sure when that will be. But if I call her before then?? I'm going to burn a bridge with anger.

This sucks. I don't know where this is going to go. I don't know if I've lost that relationship for good, if she thinks I'm pathetic. I told her in my email that she could stand by her rules, or even write me off as crazy forever and I'd have to get over it.

But Dan? Says that if she loves him? She won't write me off...for she'd be writing him off as well. Since we are one unit now and all. :) I love that man.